One of the things my counselor asked me in my first session with her is if I had friends. I responded “Yes” Of course I have friends. But the more I think about it, do I really have a good, amazing best friend? The one that I can tell everything to? One that understands or at least empathizes with various aspects of my life?
Suddenly, all of the friends I thought of didn’t seem to fit this bill. They are friends for sure, and good ones. But not many that I would actually be comfortable talking to about certain things. Not ones that would even know how to respond.
Honestly there is only 1 friend I have told everything I can think of to, and I have only met her once in real life, lol. But we do text almost every day.
The person I consider my best friend will go out with me and we text, but seemingly always about the normal stuff, kids etc. She would be awkward and not know how to respond in any kind of personal situation, and she only really would attempt to if she was completely drunk. She definitely doesn’t know what the right things to say are in most situations. So when we do hang out, I just keep a lot to myself. The hardest most personal things. The things that you really need a good friend for.
I had recently started bonding with a neighborhood lady (who happens to have a balanced translocation and had many losses) and she is really nice. Once she invited me to have lunch with her (we work at the same location) and only a couple of times has she invited me on her evening walks. But she walks usually with another neighborhood lady, and it seems that I seem to get the invite when she is unavailable. Same with lunch, only when her normal lunch companions are busy did I get an invite. Her and the other lady started a “wine and walk” around the neighborhood and invited all of us as well. First one was last night, and it was a great turn out, 8 ladies, 2 laps (2.5 miles!) it was a good time. But I didn’t seem to fit in where most of them are. They spent the whole time talking about which teachers their kids have and the bus drivers etc. Things that I have not yet experienced (And I am a ways off) They ALL have kids in school. Not a problem, they are just all at a point that I don’t quite fit into yet. So it was a nice walk, and I will continue to go, just didn’t get the companionship out of it that I was hoping to. Not yet… but maybe next time.
One of my coworkers, A, (who I really like, as he is super nice and friendly and open and honest about everything, too much sometimes! lol) was texting another coworker, F, from their personal phones, as they do hang out and shoot guns and stuff outside of work, and he showed me the message from F about how he wanted to go out to lunch with him to discuss non-work life stuff. Completely fair. But I did feel left out as A was telling me this and made it a point to tell me that this was all on their non-work phones. I really like the people I work with and I would love to bond with all of them (and their families) outside of this place. But being a woman makes it harder I guess. I do feel very lonely here sometimes. A lot of people here are friends outside of work and I just feel like an outsider.
Today when I came back to my desk before lunch, a bunch of the guys were standing at the end of the aisle and asked if I wanted to go get tacos. It was a nice offer, I almost always go with them, but had I not walked by at that moment I would not have been asked. They all had been texting each other and inviting each other and waiting for others so they could go, and since I walked by they invited me too: the afterthought. I have even filled my car up with these people and driven to lunch before. Why do I not come to mind? I do wonder if this is just one of those things about working in a male-dominated field.
I’m sure they don’t realize this. How could they know how hard it is to be a woman in a male-dominated field?
I’m sure this is all just me over-thinking things, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel lonely.
But at least at the end of this day, I get to go home to an adorable little boy who melts his mama’s heart.