The Afterthought

One of the things my counselor asked me in my first session with her is if I had friends. I responded “Yes” Of course I have friends. But the more I think about it, do I really have a good, amazing best friend? The one that I can tell everything to? One that understands or at least empathizes with various aspects of my life?

Suddenly, all of the friends I thought of didn’t seem to fit this bill. They are friends for sure, and good ones. But not many that I would actually be comfortable talking to about certain things. Not ones that would even know how to respond.

Honestly there is only 1 friend I have told everything I can think of to, and I have only met her once in real life, lol. But we do text almost every day.

The person I consider my best friend will go out with me and we text, but seemingly always about the normal stuff, kids etc. She would be awkward and not know how to respond in any kind of personal situation, and she only really would attempt to if she was completely drunk. She definitely doesn’t know what the right things to say are in most situations.  So when we do hang out, I just keep a lot to myself. The hardest most personal things. The things that you really need a good friend for.

I had recently started bonding with a neighborhood lady (who happens to have a balanced translocation and had many losses) and she is really nice. Once she invited me to have lunch with her (we work at the same location) and only a couple of times has she invited me on her evening walks. But she walks usually with another neighborhood lady, and it seems that I seem to get the invite when she is unavailable. Same with lunch, only when her normal lunch companions are busy did I get an invite. Her and the other lady started a “wine and walk” around the neighborhood and invited all of us as well. First one was last night, and it was a great turn out, 8 ladies, 2 laps (2.5 miles!) it was a good time. But I didn’t seem to fit in where most of them are. They spent the whole time talking about which teachers their kids have and the bus drivers etc. Things that I have not yet experienced (And I am a ways off) They ALL have kids in school. Not a problem, they are just all at a point that I don’t quite fit into yet. So it was a nice walk, and I will continue to go, just didn’t get the companionship out of it that I was hoping to. Not yet… but maybe next time.

One of my coworkers, A, (who I really like, as he is super nice and friendly and open and honest about everything, too much sometimes! lol) was texting another coworker, F,  from their personal phones, as they do hang out and shoot guns and stuff outside of work, and he showed me the message from F about how he wanted to go out to lunch with him to discuss non-work life stuff. Completely fair. But I did feel left out as A was telling me this and made it a point to tell me that this was all on their non-work phones. I really like the people I work with and I would love to bond with all of them (and their families) outside of this place. But being a woman makes it harder I guess. I do feel very lonely here sometimes. A lot of people here are friends outside of work and I just feel like an outsider.

Today when I came back to my desk before lunch, a bunch of the guys were standing at the end of the aisle and asked if I wanted to go get tacos. It was a nice offer, I almost always go with them, but had I not walked by at that moment I would not have been asked. They all had been texting each other and inviting each other and waiting for others so they could go, and since I walked by they invited me too: the afterthought. I have even filled my car up with these people and driven to lunch before. Why do I not come to mind? I do wonder if this is just one of those things about working in a male-dominated field.

I’m sure they don’t realize this. How could they know how hard it is to be a woman in a male-dominated field?

 

I’m sure this is all just me over-thinking things, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel lonely.

 

But at least at the end of this day, I get to go home to an adorable little boy who melts his mama’s heart.

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8 thoughts on “The Afterthought

  1. My Perfect Breakdown September 26, 2018 / 5:19 pm

    Are you in my mind right now? I was just thinking about writing about how lonely I seem to feel these days. I work from home, so I do not have a real office life. I go out for lunch with people when I’m at their offices, but it’s not real friendships and none of us talk personally about stuff. And my clients are also hundreds of miles away so it’s not like there’s even an option of out of office get together. And, I really have no friends locally anymore. All our friends had kids years before us and have their kid based friendships well developed and spend time with those people. And our few other good friends have moved far away.
    And, even if I did have friends like the one your describe in your first paragraph, it’s not like I would have time for them. Between work, Little MPB, Doodle MPB, and trying to keep my house somewhat functional, I just don’t have time to invest in a friendship like I should. My life is full in so many ways, but yet I feel a tad bit lonely lately these days.

    Liked by 1 person

    • sbach1222 September 26, 2018 / 5:22 pm

      The last paragraph for sure. Do I have time to be a good friend? Do I have time for ANY friend?? I completely hear you on that. I don’t even understand how some people can have 6+ kids and still have time to…. survive! I feel so worn out just taking care of my one child, dog and husband!

      How do we make friends at this age/stage of life?

      Like

  2. Trisha (aka mom) September 26, 2018 / 6:55 pm

    Lonely- there with ya. My boss and most of the staff in our department forget about me constantly.
    Sending everyone home early? I heard it through the grapevine.
    Sending out an email about the office party? I get it a day later when they realize they forgot me.

    I do sit far away from everyone now- which doesn’t make sense when there are open desks- but it’s still so lonely.

    Like

    • sbach1222 September 26, 2018 / 7:28 pm

      I’m sorry you have been feeling left out too. It is hard because people will just expect you to keep work and home separate, but it is hard to do when you spend so much of your time and energy at work.

      Like

  3. Marixsa September 26, 2018 / 7:04 pm

    I completely relate to the whole ‘afterthought’ thing! And I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.

    Like you, all our friends had kids years ago. After 15 years of marriage and no living babies we’ve kind of become “That Childless Couple.” We can’t relate to our friends’ lives that center around their children; they can’t relate to our life of childlessness. Oftentimes the “moms” will do stuff together based around their kids (like soccer parties and such) and I’m left in the dust. Like you, sometimes I get a pity invite or a last-minute invite but it doesn’t feel genuine. And even if I do go, I feel even more lonely and isolated because I don’t have much to contribute to the convo, which is ALWAYS about kids.

    My office is just me and Boss these days, so even the possibility of making new friends from work is off the table.

    Sometimes I wonder if these feelings will continue even after resolving: Like, is it harder to relate to the other mamas because even having Baby Bach to begin with wasn’t easy?

    Like

    • sbach1222 September 26, 2018 / 7:36 pm

      I think it is harder to maintain some of the friendships afterward, the person I consider my ‘best’ friend, she had 2 kids, first try each and has no clue on how it feels or even how to respond to people who have trouble. She tries, but it gets awkward, but I can’t expect her to understand or know how to respond.

      It is also hard because all kids are so different, so even though the neighborhood ladies had a kid mine’s age at some point, they didn’t necessarily have the same experiences.

      I can see how frustrating it would be to be in that position, and how hard it would be to maintain those friendships when your lives are so different.

      But there are people in the same boat who absolutely relate, and it is nice when you find them. You are not alone. We are not alone. Even when we feel like it.

      Hope you are well ❤

      Like

  4. RJ October 5, 2018 / 3:21 am

    Oh man I get this so much. I also feel like I don’t actually have any close friends that are close by. My bff is in Chicago and we are at such incredibly different stages in our lives that it can be hard to relate. And there really isn’t anyone but my husband that I really want to confide it. It’s so hard not having that truly special friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • sbach1222 October 5, 2018 / 2:59 pm

      Right? It would be so nice to have that ONE friend like everyone in the movies has. (Not to negate the friends I have now, I do love them and I am glad I have them). But having that one super close non- husband friend who is just there would be great.

      At least we do have our husbands though.

      Liked by 1 person

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