Seeing someone

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try out the EAP (Employee Advisor Program?) offered by my new employer.

I had my first session with the counselor last week. Before I went, I wondered what I was really going for. I was having a good day, things seemed to be going well, I almost thought of cancelling it. I didn’t. I wasn’t super impressed by the counselor, she is one picked by the EAP, she seemed less professional than the ones I had seen before, maybe it was the home office thing, I don’t know. Or because she wants me to come every week, and didn’t like the idea of my wanting every 2 weeks, and then brought up that we would have to continue with my insurance after the EAP sessions run out. It is probably just me reading into things, but she seemed most interested in her income. But I get 5 or 6 sessions covered by the EAP, so I figure I may as well use them, right?

She told me to keep a journal for random thoughts, so I have done this. My second appointment is today, here are some of my random thoughts:

  1. I feel guilty going once a week because I feel like that is time I am supposed to be spending with my son and husband.
  2. I feel guilty taking any ‘me’ time
  3. I feel guilty even taking ‘us’ time (Me and B)
  4. Everything falls on me. If I want us to go out, I have to make a plan, find a sitter, decide where to go. If I want a family outing, dinner, ANYTHING, I am told “Just tell me what to do” I don’t want it all on me! Everything is on me, I work, get home and start making dinner and play with the boy until DH gets home and I can finish dinner, we all eat, I do the dishes about 85% of the time, we both get DS ready for bed and DH puts him down while I shower, then it is finishing dishes if there are any and going to sleep, because Lord knows the DS wakes me up at least once every night these days!
  5. I hope this is a phase of teething. I feel like he will never sleep through the night again consistently. It has seriously been so long.
  6. I don’t know when to transition to the big bed. I don’t trust him at all, he cannot control himself when he wants to get into something, especially when he knows he isn’t supposed to. Am I doing something wrong?
  7. I have a lot of resentment towards my husband that I didn’t even realize. There is seriously 3 full pages about him fishing or kayaking or helping friends or working on the vehicle or the house while I watch DS.
  8. I feel like as a society Dads still get to be themselves and get the “Dad’ title as a bonus, I feel like Moms turn into just “Mom”
  9. I have completely lost my identity. I feel like I am “Mom” and nothing else. ( I love being a mom and I am so grateful) ThisI have been struggling with huge, I avoided doing a post about it because I feel like all I ever post is negative, but this is honestly an outlet for me (I’m not a very good blogger). But I don’t even know the person I used to be, I don’t travel much because I don’t trust DS to behave enough to not die! I couldn’t even remember when she asked me what I like to do for fun. Because even if and when I would get time, I don’t even know what to do with it, I spend so much time feeling guilty for not being around my son, and guilty for not making better use of my time, that it becomes unenjoyable.
  10. The massive anxiety I have even THINKING about early pregnancy and how to hide it and the pit in my stomach just thinking about having to announce it at some point. I am clearly not ready to have another child.
  11. I had another chemical at 6 weeks a couple of weeks ago, and I feel like the worst person ever, like seriously the worst person and have so much guilt over being okay with it, because I am not okay to deal with that anxiety of things going well again, I know that doesn’t even make sense.
  12. I’m pressuring myself into wanting another child and wanting it soon. I know this, but it doesn’t change the fact that I think about it all of the time.
  13. We are definitely avoiding TTC now. I am obviously not in a place to be okay with it yet. And I don’t know when I will be if ever. But I will not TTC until I can be okay and at least somewhat excited about being pregnant.
  14. I feel like if I get to go out for dinner with a friend that I am ‘using up’ the ‘me’ time I should be allotted (which is weird, because it isn’t like I’m allotted a certain amount or anything…)
  15. Maybe I just like to complain?
  16. DH and I NEED more date nights. Just us, because the very few we have had have been great and they make me so happy, but again, very few. And taking time for us isn’t taking anything away from DS, because we need our relationship to stay strong to set a good example for him.
  17. I hate my house. I hate it so much. For the amount of money we spent on it, I just hate it. I am not comfortable there, It is dated and dark and things seem to be falling apart. And It doesn’t smell like ‘home’ and I don’t know how to change the smell.
  18. I hate the color of my living room, grey and my blue/grey bedroom, I really think the colors make it cold and not at all homey and comforting, but I feel guilty about this because we just painted a year ago and I feel wasteful.
  19. My house has no carpet. I love carpet, I have hardwood, especially when it is throughout the house. It makes everything cold and hard.
  20. We moved the couch and TV in the living room around yesterday, I was hoping this would make me feel more at home. I do like the change, but I almost cried (and almost am now) because it still seems dark and gloomy.
  21. I worry that I can do all of these things to my house and still not feel at home in it.
  22. I miss my old house. Not the smallness and unfinished basement, but it felt like home, we did so much work to it, I was proud of it and couldn’t wait to show it off. I don’t like people coming into my new house.
  23. I realize a big thing I want to do to make me feel like me again: I want to get my house to a state that I enjoy it again. I want to remodel it top to bottom, inside and out. I LOVED home improvement projects before, and still do, though I never seem to have time for them. I really don’t have the time and can’t do things with DS around, and then I get back to the guilt of taking time away from him to do, well, anything.
  24. Working mom guilt is rough.
  25. All mom guilt is rough.

I love my son. So much. I want everything in life to be the best it can be for him. I want to be the best I can be for him. I love my husband. I want our marriage, our home to be the best for all of us.

So much falls on me. And I don’t feel like I am handling it as well as I should. I have so much anxiety over things I can’t control. I really want to learn to just let some things go and focus on the important things. But I don’t know how….yet.

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6 thoughts on “Seeing someone

  1. Trisha (aka mom) September 4, 2018 / 7:07 pm

    Wow, I completely understand (except that is great that your hubby puts DS to bed while you shower. I still put both kids to bed 90% of the time).
    I am not TTC right now as I had to start hormone therapy and you can’t get pregnant for a year.
    but my son just finished cancer treatment and my daughter has a genetic disorder.
    My hubby is finishing school.
    I need therapy as well. Nothing wrong with it and I hear it takes a couple tries to get a good one (which sounds like a couple tries of wasted time/money to me).
    I get it.

    Like

  2. rose September 5, 2018 / 1:40 am

    If you don’t like her the second time then ask Service for a different therapist. Your list absolutely spelt out the reasons to get some help. Clearly and succinctly. YOu need help and you need a great deal more support from your husband. Very best wishes!

    Like

  3. lifeoutoforder92 September 5, 2018 / 11:40 pm

    Yes, don’t be afraid to switch therapists. I went thru a couple before I found the one I have now, and I would follow her to the ends of the earth.
    As much as you don’t want to repaint since you just did a year ago, it might be worth it. Feeling comfortable in your home could help alleviate a lot anxiety!

    Like

  4. RJ September 10, 2018 / 7:25 pm

    Wow you have so much on your plate and I think you are right to be seeking out some therapy. I sincerely hope you end up clicking with this therapist but if you don’t please don’t feel bad about switching.

    I think it’s unfortunately normal for a lot of the planning to come down to mom. It’s not fair and it shouldn’t be like this but it’s so incredibly hard to balance all there is in life with your child/children. My husband always wants me to make the choice too, I am very familiar with “just tell me what to do”. I’ve certainly responded with “I want you to decide for once”!!

    As for the big bed transition, we did it 2 weeks ago and it went really well. She was climbing in and out with no problems for about 6 weeks but never did during nap of nighttime. And she still doesn’t get out of the bed on her own during nap/night, we have to go get her. You may find the same thing happens (I’ve heard it’s pretty common for toddlers to not get out of their toddler beds).

    All in all I just want to wish you well. Seems like you have a lot on your mind and I hope you’re able to sort through it!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My Perfect Breakdown September 14, 2018 / 2:38 pm

    Oh my friend, I’m sorry you are struggling so much. First, I have to say I am so proud of you for talking to someone. I swear when I used to go to someone it was the best decision I could ever have made – just to have someone listen to me, and help me work through it, made such a significant positive impact on me and my relationships. So, I think this is great, but I also think you have to find the “right” person. So, keep looking if you must.
    A lot of what you wrote really resonates with me. I also really resonate with wanting to do something to me make me feel like me again. But, I simply do not have enough time in the day to carve out 30 minutes for myself, unless I give up even more sleep. An realistically, giving up more sleep wont help anything.
    I also hear you on the date night comment! Mr. MPB and I decided to hire our old nanny one weekend evening a month that fits her schedule. Last weekend was the first of our newly scheduled date night. Well, Little MPB was sick and we had to cancel and stay home. So, it didn’t even happen. Not the end of the world, but we were both so disappointed simply because we never go out just the two of us. And, I think those dates are so important for our marriage.
    And I also have to comment on feeling like everything falls on me. If I’m not away with work, I do everything except cook meals. But I hear about how I don’t cook all the time. If I’m away with work Mr. MPB steps up and takes care of stuff. But, then I don’t ever get a break. I’m either doing everything at home or working. It’s nothing short of exhausting.
    As for the big bed transition – I’m waiting until he’s 14…. Okay, maybe not that long, but he’s not fighting the crib and I just cannot bear the thought of him not sleeping well. So, for now, we wait. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to take him out of his crib, but I’m okay with waiting longer because I don’t see what the rush is.
    And while I cannot comment on trying for baby number 2, what I can comment on is that I understand how scary it is to get pregnant and stay pregnant. If you ever need a listening ear, you can always let me know. I’ll be here for you through all of it.
    Anyways, I share this because I want you to know you aren’t alone. And, I hope you knowing you are not alone brings you a bit of comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

    • sbach1222 September 14, 2018 / 2:44 pm

      Thank you for this. It really does mean so much to me that you read my posts and write out such thoughtful responses.

      I told DH last night “I miss you” and he was like “What are you talking about? We see each other every day” but it just isn’t the same as going out just the 2 of us and doing something we really enjoy and connecting.

      We are giving it an effort though!

      Liked by 1 person

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