One

On Friday my little Baby Bach turned ONE!!! As in a whole year old. And he made it! We all made it!!!

It doesn’t feel like he is that old yet, even though he has been walking and running for 3 months and starts repeating a few words we say (his favorite word is ‘bath’ he always wants to take “a Bapf” LOL) Friday morning when we woke up, he still looked the same as he did the day before, when he was an 11 month old… lol. It just still doesn’t seem real. None of it seems real. Did I really get pregnant, and stay pregnant for 9 months? Did I really give birth? Is this child really mine?

He is so happy and smiley, almost all of the time. Though the kid can really throw some tantrum and screaming fits when he is mad, feet stomping and all, he gets over it very quick.

He loves to climb things. All things… including ovens that are on! He tries climbing the baby gates, and a couple of them I know he could do, but he hasn’t realized that yet. How I am not looking forward to that day… He points at everything and loves when you tell him what it is. He likes baths and the pool. He is certainly a water bug.

We started yogurt and will probably start eggs tomorrow. Still on breast milk, though I have cut down so he is getting some frozen stuff. (I can’t believe we made it this far and we are still going, especially with all of the issues and pain from the earlier months). He will start cows milk in the next week. This kid is a carnivore, he LOVES meat. Especially roast beef. He could eat an entire can of black beans if I let him, and peas… this kid loves his peas. He loves berries and cheerios for breakfast and snacks. He really is a good eater, and I am happy for that. And I hope it continues!

Wow…. That’s my boy. Mine. And he is real. This life is real. What a wonderful life it is.

I still can’t believe this.

Thank you Lord.

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Realizations

I have been driving 1 hour each way to and from work for 3 months now. And with the end of Daylight Savings Time it is usually dark by the time I get home.

I have started dreading going to work, and I have felt like this may have been the issue. But last night when I was dreading the next day when I would have to go to work, I had an epiphany. The drive isn’t the problem, I mean, I don’t love the drive, don’t get me wrong, but it is doable.

I hate that I drive all the way to work to sit around and not be needed or do anything useful and look for ways to fill my time. Especially since I have soooooo much stuff to do at home. Even if I just spent time watching my son play and run, it would be way more meaningful to him and to me than anything I accomplish here. My company seriously wouldn’t notice I was gone. It was kind of this way before maternity leave, but it has been way worse since I returned to work. With no official projects or anything.

I have another coworker who feels the same way and has been for a while, and I feel bad because I always told him “At least you are getting paid still, it is a job, just take your pay check and be happy about it.” That is what I always thought, but now I get it… I feel the way he does.

When you are spending a very large portion of your life doing something, you should be enjoying it! Especially when that means taking time away from your family.

It is hard to feel useless, unneeded.

I have had many times when I have loved my job (not necessarily the company itself) but I learned things, I made improvements, I completed meaningful projects that had great outcomes. It was exciting. I would work extra hours just to finish something, and I wasn’t upset about it, because it meant something.

Now I spend the nights before work dreading it. Dreading driving in here to twiddle my thumbs (or occasionally take on a very small, usually meaningless, task) and come up with ways to make the day go by faster so I can get home to make dinner, do laundry, do dishes, eat usually at some point, spend time with my boy, feed him, get him to sleep, pump, shower and whatever other odds and ends need to be done in a very short amount of time.

I’m considering continuing to pump at work after Baby Bach turns 1 just so that it breaks up my day and gives me something to do, something somewhat meaningful. But honestly, that just sounds sad.

Realization after reading this:

Maybe that is why I am torn on quitting pumping. It is one less ‘meaningful’ thing that I do with my everyday life. I think I would feel better about it if I had more things to feel proud of right now (ie my career).

After I made this realization, I contacted an acquaintance at a larger company who has offered me positions before and I always turned down. I hear he has some openings coming up, this would unfortunately mean going to 5 days a week instead of 4, but I guess I’d rather spend 5 days happy with my job and myself than 4 days miserable.

I figured I have spent a lot of time praying and asking God for guidance on what to do next, and maybe hearing about these openings is part of His response.

To be continued…

That busy time of year

…and most of it isn’t because of the Holidays!

Next Friday is Baby Bach’s 1st birthday (OMG…. how? I don’t freaking know. I can definitely see how college comes in the blink of an eye). I contemplated a while how I wanted to go about this. Do I invite immediate family? Extended? Friends? I mean, a lot of people live far or won’t come for other reasons (B’s family drama) or will be working. …Right?

I have gotten some unexpected (but VERY welcome!) RSVPs. And now I’m scrambling wondering how to accommodate 30-40 people!! So I am hitting up all of my family members for folding chairs and tables. Going to the store to get more 2 liters and beer (I know it is a 1 year old’s birthday, but it’s my family…). And oh… my house isn’t finished from when we moved! There is still so much to do!!!

And of course Thanksgiving is the day before this, so I won’t be able to get much done that day.

Then the following Friday is my Dad’s 50th birthday (I had teen parents). And I am trying to figure out who to invite to that, what to make, how much. I booked an escape room for after dinner at my house. And this is all a surprise, and I really do think he will love it. But it is something I can’t forget or lose sight of while planning for Baby Bach’s birthday.

2 weeks after that is DH’s 30th birthday. All of his friend’s wives/girlfriends etc. have had surprise parties for their 30th birthdays in the last few months. So now I feel like there is a bar set high. (Thanks a lot you good wives for making me look bad!) And I have NOOOO idea what to do for that. Like not a clue. I mean, I have ideas, but they need work, and with the above 2 birthdays being within the same few weeks, I have no time or energy to do it. Plus the who do I invite, blah blah blah. It isn’t like I didn’t want to celebrate his birthday big, but there is so much going on right now. But I almost feel that it is expected because all of his friends got big(ish) surprise parties. And also, I was pretty disappointed last year on my 30th birthday when there were no plans, and I (myself) decided that day that we would go down to my grandparent’s house and order pizza (which I don’t even like) because it was easy.

A week after THAT is my birthday. But I really don’t have to do anything for that. So I guess I am kind of looking forward to that part of it.

And 3 days later we celebrate Jesus’s birthday.

I think I need to buy wine.

Again?!?!

2 weeks from the day I wrote about my new pair of jeans… (which I should add, I also bled through at work the SAME DAY!) my period started.

AGAIN.

ALREADY!

At least this time (at least so far) I won’t be spending my evening hunched over a cold bathtub rubbing stains out (which by the way, works amazingly well).

But seriously. What IS this Hell???

Someone pour me a drink.

And bring chocolates.

Lots of chocolate.

I said something

Maybe it isn’t enough, it wasn’t much at all. But it is the last day of infertility/pregnancy loss awareness month. So I guess I kind of feel like I participated now.

I went to meet with some coworkers in a different building, and I stopped by a desk of a coworker who will be leaving us on Friday, and they were talking about kids.

One of the guys was talking about how his wife wants 2 more kids (They have 4) because she likes the ‘baby phase’. He said “I keep telling J here that she needs to have another one and let my wife have it for a year so she can give it back after” Now I have always wondered if J has had IF issues. I feel like I have that sense now, where you can just tell when someone has gone through what you have. There are like brain wave connections or something. J has a 6 year old son, and maybe she wants an only child, which very well may be, but I get the sense that there is more. Either way, it is none of this guys business.

I told them that I too am in the one child club, and I am perfectly happy with that. Cue the “You have to have at least one more!” crap… Then another guy starts telling me that he was an only child and that it is tough for him not having that person to lean on. Well… just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean you have them to lean on. I don’t feel comfortable leaning on my sister, and B’s sister is incarcerated… so just spawning another child, doesn’t give you that.

So I told him “I’m pretty lucky to have one.”

And he said “Oh, I’m sorry. You can at least try to have another one, that is fun.”

“It’s not fun when you have been through what we have.”

“I’m sorry.”

So will he think twice about heckling J or I or anyone else about having more kids? Maybe, maybe not. But I hope the ‘sorry’ feeling he got after heckling me will make him think twice in the future.

2 Years

So today is my 2 year bloggiversary.

I don’t blog very much. I mostly read other’s blogs. And I love them. They help me. You all feel like real friends and like people I really know. You know more about me than most people!!

Today is also the day that my son turns 11 months. 2 years ago, I certainly didn’t think that I would be able to type that. And I am so grateful and blessed to be able to say that I have a son.

Most days, I still can’t even believe it. He is so beautiful and so perfect. How do I deserve this?

I will never forget what it took to get him here. Ever. You never forget that pain and that fear.

I am still with all of you still struggling. I pray for you to join me someday, and I look forward to reading your 11 month post. Until then, I am always rooting for you and always thinking of you. I cry in your sorrow and one day I will rejoice with you.

 

A new pair of jeans

I can’t even tell you the last time I bought clothes. I’ve never really been a person who loves to shop, especially for clothes. But since moving and doing so much housework, about half of the few pairs of jeans I own have paint stains somewhere on them (yeah, I know, I really should have worn something different) so I have been needing some new ones.

Well, today I got myself a new pair of jeans. But it wasn’t in the way I wanted to…

About 2 months ago I got my first PP period. It wasn’t bad at all. I am still breastfeeding (which is now exclusively pumping, which really sucks) so I went a while without another one, 56 days actually. And I knew yesterday that I was about to start, my knees really hurt, which for some reason has always been a sure sign for me. And this morning I got up and got ready, put a pad on and headed to work. 2 hours later, I found I was leaking.

Yup. That thing that happened to us as teens in high school and middle school. It happened to me today as a 30 year old adult. AT WORK! Where, by the way, I live an hour away from these days.

At first I thought, it is a small spot underneath, no one will notice, unless they look… okay, I’m not trying to toot my horn, but I work with almost all men, someone will look eventually. Plus the whole going up stairs thing… I started freaking out.

I went to my desk, my group was in a meeting somewhere, grabbed my purse, made it outside and to my car and no one followed me once! PHEW!!!

Now I had a meeting to be in an hour from now that I had to be back for.

I drove to the outlets about 15 minutes away, grabbed a $7.97 pair of jeans on a clearance rack in front of the store, bought them. Drove to the rest room area, went in and changed into new pants (and I happened to have fresh undies in my pump bag! PHEW again!) and drove back to work, where I had to park really far away because someone took my spot, ran in and JUST made it in time for my meeting.

So here I am. In my new pair of jeans (which are very UNSEXY I might add) at my desk. I can now continue my day. Except I will be in the bathroom at least once an hour from here on out I’m sure just to check and change!

Oh the joys of being a woman.