I’ve been keeping up with reading all of your blogs, but I have not wrote the update on the birth of my son, for many reasons, one being time of course! But the biggest reason is that while it was such an amazing long awaited moment, it is gut wrenching to recall some of the horrible feelings I had and cannot let go of, but we will get to that.
First and most importantly: Our beautiful baby was born on Thanksgiving day! A week early. Dad always told him “Just wait until after Thanksgiving”… so I think we are going to have a little boundary pusher on our hands!!! He was 5lbs 11oz and 18 inches long. Very tiny for a term baby, but I guess his dad was too. Perfectly healthy and strong and has the most perfect, beautiful and big eyes.
I’m an odd person I guess, because I did not want anyone but DH and I at the hospital when he was born. I didn’t even want to tell people when I went into labor because I didn’t want to have DH or I constantly updating people and I didn’t want to think of what other people were thinking at all. I mean, I was terrified at the thought of people showing up, and I made this clear, for weeks ahead of time, I wanted no one to show up, even in the waiting room, because I felt it would put pressure on me, and this was mine and DH’s moment and it was not to be interrupted for updates or anything. But we did decide to call our moms and tell them not to tell anyone, and don’t show up or call or text and that WE would let them know if they needed to know anything. I mean, I was more scared of someone showing up than I was of the thought of having a C-section (which I didn’t need, thankfully).
So when I was butt naked, no drugs (I did eventually get an epidural), in pain and having contractions and the nurse tells me “You have visitors.” I FLIPPED OUT! I started yelling “Why am I being disrespected?!?!” and DH said he would go take care of it and I told him No, he is not supposed to be leaving me, and he said he was going to take care of it I started yelling “Kick their asses!” through my tears. He left. I was standing butt naked with a nurse (Who I did not like) supporting me while I was going through a contraction. He came back and I asked “Was it my mom?” and he said “No, it was my mom”. I am getting so angry and upset thinking about it. How could she make this about her? She made the baby shower about her, couldn’t I have my labor and delivery at least??? Apparently not. She was told not to come. She disrespected me and came anyway.
I called my mom crying because I was so upset that DH and I’s experience was ruined. And DH tried to calm me down, eventually I calmed down as I had other things to focus on.
Our son was born at 6:45PM after only 25 minutes of pushing (Thank God, I was so tired!). His face was just so amazing, he didn’t look like how I thought he would, he was even more beautiful than I ever imagined. I looked up to see DH, who I had seen cry ONCE ever, in tears and overjoyed to have his son. We talked about the middle name (which was what we had been disagreeing on) and he allowed me to give him my Grandpa’s middle name, and he was very happy to do so. Despite all of the drama MIL had caused, everything was perfect.
We told our parents to come up, he was here.
DH couldn’t get a hold of his mom.
My parents both showed up and met him and left.
DH kept calling and kept getting the voicemail.
I showered, we moved rooms. He kept getting nothing. It was SO HEART WRENCHING to see him go from his happiest proudest moment to devastation. He was a proud dad and he wanted to share that with his mom, and he was heartbroken.
Finally, hours later, she called and just destroyed us. She was at the casino and said to DH “Well YOU didn’t want us there!” no congratulations… no how is everyone doing. Nothing. It broke him. Though he didn’t show it much, it hurt him deep. And it made me feel like the worst person in the world. On the day I gave birth after 5 losses and shitty odds, I felt like a bad person. She finally showed up hours later, because why would she leave the casino right away to meet her ONLY grandchild?
She walked in well after I needed to go to sleep and what was the first thing she said? “Well, YOU didn’t want us here, YOU made that VERY clear.” (apparently telling her not to show up in a civilized manner doesn’t make things clear to her)
I will add that I didn’t know when I was yelling and screaming that they were AT MY DOOR! I was FURIOUS when I realized this later. That makes me feel so violated to think about even now! What the hell did she think was going to happen?? What did she think was going on in the delivery room that she was told to stay out of?
Anyway, DH tried telling her “No one was supposed to be there” and she kept “Well, I was just trying to see how she was doing” DH:”NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE” MIL “But I just wanted to know… blah blah blah” It was all I, I, I… Also, she never spoke to me during her visit at all. She didn’t hug me, ask me how I was doing, tell me great job. Nothing. He kept trying to make her feel better by explaining that it wasn’t against her specifically (I didn’t even know who was there). Meanwhile, I was sinking and dying and doing everything I could to hold myself together. I kept trying to say nice things to her, and ask her things and trying to make her feel better, while I was exhausted from giving birth, and choking back tears.
She asked DH what his name was, he told her and then she repeated it with a VERY disgusted and questioning tone. That hit like daggers. And DH said “Yes, it is O D B” and she just said “Oh.”
Then they left after a little bit and really hasn’t called to check on him since. In 5 months she has come to visit him ONCE (and this was because I was pissed that they were supposed to come up and never showed up or called or anything, so DH had to call to be like “WTF” and she said the weather was bad, ummmm… you couldn’t call or text us to let us know that?”. Called to check on him ONCE that I am aware of.
And I feel like it is all my fault. I have been riddled with guilt for 5 months. Because she made me feel that way.
That is how my MIL took the most amazing moment of my life and made it about her. That is how she made me feel guilty on the day I gave birth to her grandchild. That is how she made me feel like I had something to make up to HER when she met him.
And she won. I feel guilty. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I took my husband down from his proudest moment. And her? She just gets to happily live her life while DH forgets about everything because it makes him mad to think about it, and he takes Baby down to see her once in a blue moon to make her happy (though she never asks him to). And me? Well, no one is concerned about my feelings. No one cares that I get sick to my stomach when I hear her voice. No one cares that I think about this every day and I feel ashamed of MYSELF, even though I KNOW I did nothing wrong. She made the bad choices, never apologized, and I have to live with the consequences.
I need to figure out how to forgive someone who doesn’t apologize, because my son deserves so much better than a sad and guilt ridden mom. But I don’t know how.