A new pair of jeans

I can’t even tell you the last time I bought clothes. I’ve never really been a person who loves to shop, especially for clothes. But since moving and doing so much housework, about half of the few pairs of jeans I own have paint stains somewhere on them (yeah, I know, I really should have worn something different) so I have been needing some new ones.

Well, today I got myself a new pair of jeans. But it wasn’t in the way I wanted to…

About 2 months ago I got my first PP period. It wasn’t bad at all. I am still breastfeeding (which is now exclusively pumping, which really sucks) so I went a while without another one, 56 days actually. And I knew yesterday that I was about to start, my knees really hurt, which for some reason has always been a sure sign for me. And this morning I got up and got ready, put a pad on and headed to work. 2 hours later, I found I was leaking.

Yup. That thing that happened to us as teens in high school and middle school. It happened to me today as a 30 year old adult. AT WORK! Where, by the way, I live an hour away from these days.

At first I thought, it is a small spot underneath, no one will notice, unless they look… okay, I’m not trying to toot my horn, but I work with almost all men, someone will look eventually. Plus the whole going up stairs thing… I started freaking out.

I went to my desk, my group was in a meeting somewhere, grabbed my purse, made it outside and to my car and no one followed me once! PHEW!!!

Now I had a meeting to be in an hour from now that I had to be back for.

I drove to the outlets about 15 minutes away, grabbed a $7.97 pair of jeans on a clearance rack in front of the store, bought them. Drove to the rest room area, went in and changed into new pants (and I happened to have fresh undies in my pump bag! PHEW again!) and drove back to work, where I had to park really far away because someone took my spot, ran in and JUST made it in time for my meeting.

So here I am. In my new pair of jeans (which are very UNSEXY I might add) at my desk. I can now continue my day. Except I will be in the bathroom at least once an hour from here on out I’m sure just to check and change!

Oh the joys of being a woman.

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Rainy Days

I hate how influenced my mood and energy is based on the weather. But I have wanted to cry since my ride into work. When I was walking through the parking lot. Now.

And I want chocolate to make me feel better, but do I have any change for the vending machine? Of course not. But at least there are a couple of vending machines that take cards here! For way more money…. but I was going to do it anyway. I’m starving and my stomach hurts. But the card could not be verified by the machine. Other card? Can not be verified. So I’m hungry, tired and cranky.

Bored with my job, but still scared to try to start a new one. Plus I’d like to keep my Mondays off, but I would have to be full time if I start somewhere new. Why? I don’t know. I don’t get it. Honestly, when things are actually busy here, I get more done in 4 days than most people get done in 5 anyway. Stupid. But I know I will need a job closer. On my way to work this morning, there was a big accident on the side of the road that had it down to 1 lane, so my normally 1 hour drive took almost 1.5 hours. And all I kept thinking was “That might be me some day” Especially with how dark it is when I have to leave in the morning.

On workdays I get up early, get ready, leave, by the time I get home (and that is with eating lunch at my desk in about 2.5 minutes so I can leave earlier) I have to get something figured out for dinner, cook it, and spend time with my boy, get him some food ready, pump, get him to sleep (this is split between me and B) shower, eat, pump and then I think I can relax for a little bit before bed until I realize that they bottles and pump parts need to be washed sterilized and filled. And then it is past the time I want to go to bed so that I can get a decent amount of sleep before waking up early and starting over. And this is the have to do every day stuff. This is not the days when I need to stop and get gas or groceries on the way home. Or do the dishes or laundry or give Baby Bach a bath or anything else that life comes up with. Or Baby Bach waking in the middle of the night! I feel like I am too busy during work days to give Baby Bach the attention I want to give him. If I didn’t drive 2 hours a day, I probably could, plus I could relax after he goes to bed because I could stay up later and sleep in a little more.

And I am REALLY missing me and B time. We just don’t have it anymore. Not to watch a movie or even an episode of something while cuddled on the couch. This is partially him just using the time when I am doing everything to do things he wants to do. Walk out to the trail camera, bait the area, check for deer. Fix the hot tub (which we need to do, seriously, but does a guy really need to spend 1.5 hours researching how to clean a hot tub? Like every day!?!?) I don’t feel like a priority of his. But I’m so busy too that I wonder if he feels like he is my priority even.

And now I am stressed because my boy has been crying a lot more the past few days. My mom texted me that he is crying a lot today, I am hoping it is just the new teeth he is getting up top. I feel terrible.

Also, he has been having painful episodes of straining for BMs. He has had hard ones since he started solids, but he never cried like he has been. So we started Miralax a few weeks ago, once it was through, he was good, decided to start controlling his diet better. As soon as the Miralax was out of his system, he was straining and crying again. Tried again, and got better, and yesterday he was straining and crying again!! I feel like it isn’t any harder than it has been since the beginning, but it must be. And he is eating a LOT more solids lately. (This kid LOVES beef, chicken and black beans, and of course his pears and his peaches.) I can’t think of anything that he DOESN’T like. But I hate how much it is hurting him. I don’t want him to live on Miralax. He should not have to do that! We stopped pasta a few weeks ago, stopped puffs a week ago, but are still doing some multigrain cheerios. No dairy. Breastmilk. I feel horrible! I just want him happy and okay!!!

I’m just not in a great mood. I don’t know if it is because it is raining, or because I’m tired or because my stomach has been queasy for a week (No, not pregnant.).

And Baby Bach’s birthday is coming up, and I hate that my first reaction is fear that I have to see MIL and that she will do/say something stupid on the anniversary of her epic destruction on the day he was born. Why can’t I just let the excitement of his birthday overtake the fear and dread that just the THOUGHT of her puts in me?

Also my sister is getting divorced, so she is always sad. And my mom found out last night that her last appeal for disability was denied (again) despite the lawyers and everyone telling her that this was the easiest case they ever had and should be no problem. (She has Rheumatoid Arthritis since she was a teen, and it is just crippling, even helping us garden for an afternoon will put her out for days, plus the meds she is on for it have great side effects and she constantly has appointments with multiple doctors and specialists and therapists) And I feel awful about it. I mean, 5 years ago she started waiting tables for a bit because they just needed the money so bad and her feet would swell and she would limp all of the time. So that didn’t last incredibly long. Yet I see my stepmom who gets disability carry heavy things around all day, up and down stairs, runs around faster and with more energy than someone half her age. And B’s stepdad gets disability and then works under the table at a very manual labor job. I feel awful about this too.

Despite the long drive, I am loving where we live now. The house isn’t home yet, and it is unfinished, so it is hard to relax in knowing all that has to be done. Not finished being painted, sanded, outlet covers are off still, boxes still everywhere, no pictures up. It is just a house right now. But… I love the location. I lave that on a nice day B and I can just decide to go for a family bike ride and strap Baby Bach into the trailer and be off to the park for a while. I’m glad the weather has at least been nice for as long as it has.

Also, I met a couple of neighbors! I like them so far. One has a 2 year old boy and her husband has been going through infertility issues since, I guess their first was a fluke to happen so quick.

The other neighbor, now this is crazy, has had multiple miscarriages and has a Robertsonian Translocation!!! B’s is a Reciprocal Traslocation, but they are both the same type of thing and very rare! We were both like “I’ve never met someone else who has this before!” And here we are living 2 houses away from each other!

So yeah, that turned into quite the random post. But those are all of the things on my mind right now.

Ed

Concerts are my thing. Anyone who knows me knows this. I grew up a couple of miles from an amazing outdoor amphitheater, I even graduated there. Music is a huge part of my life and getting to experience it live has been so amazing and I have been so blessed.

I have never been a person who likes expensive clothes or shoes or much material things at all. I actually HATE shopping, and I LOVE deals (as mentioned in a previous post) because I would rather spend money on experiences. Vacations, concerts, all of those once in a lifetime moments.

Since we got married we have only been to a few shows. Work schedules, and mostly due to baby making and not wanting to buy tickets to a show and not be able to make it. I’ve done that a few times… “Can’t get tickets to this show, I will be 9 months pregnant!” and then had the pregnancy fail AND miss a show.

Now that Baby Bach is here, our opportunities are even less to get out and experience these things (of course there are new experiences too). But we did decide that we would go to 1 concert a year of someone we have never seen before.

And I knew EXACTLY who that person was going to be this year.

After getting DIVIDE the day it came out (I have only ever bought 1 other album the day it came out) and listening to it non stop, I KNEW that we were going to see Ed Sheeran when he went on tour. He really is my favorite person that I haven’t met before (besides all of you lovely people 🙂 Maybe my most favorite famous person)

I spent weeks after DIVIDE came out searching for his tour announcement, which hadn’t reached the states yet. I figured after a while that I would wait for Ticketmaster to notify me.

It didn’t matter to me when it was. I was GOING! I didn’t care that I would have to stay up late, pump in the parking lot and/or in some dingy place around the venue. I was finally getting the opportunity to see Ed Sheeran!!

And then after a while of not receiving an email from them, I checked online and the tickets had already went on sale. Of course they were sold out. I know how it goes. I was so sad. Microsoft Outlook started moving almost all of my emails to ‘Clutter’ and I had no idea. 😭

Of course I could still buy some on a resale site (And I still can, just hours before the show) if I wanted to pay 3X+ the cost of the actual ticket. So here is where I go into a small rant:

GET A REAL FUCKING JOB!!!! Scooping up half of the tickets for an event that you don’t care about so that you can resell them is not a real job you piece of SHIT! You scalpers are seriously the SCUM OF THE FUCKING EARTH.

Also, I hate you Microsoft Outlook.

So here I am, clipping my coupons while pumping after a long day at work with a long drive. I can’t justify $400+ on a pair of tickets when I take surveys online for $0.50….

I think I will Alexa to play Ed Sheeran. Maybe I will have a drink or 2z then I can go to bed and start it all over again tomorrow. Certainly not the night I had planned. But at least I have my boys and a strong work ethic to be proud of.

 

Ed – I hope to catch you next time around. Thanks for being awesome!

The rest of my life

You know what I realized? Anyone who reads this blog probably would think that my life consists of nothing more than recurrent pregnancy loss, IF issues and my dislike of the MIL. But what else do I do and like?

I LOVE Harry Potter. Like seriously. Waited in the lines for the books, dressed up… may have a tattoo… (Okay, I do. “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live”) Going to Harry Potter world a couple of years ago was like a million Christmas mornings all in one.

I am the first person in my family to go to college. I am an engineer, so I went to school and work in very male-dominated environments. And I am so proud to be a woman engineer.

I love to shop. But not in the sense that most people do. I love to grocery shop mostly. I actually HATE clothes and shoe shopping. I LOVE getting deals. Coupons, promo codes, clearances. It is like a high for me! I am not an extreme couponer (ain’t no one got time for that!) but I do love my Kroger card, mperks, shop your way rewards etc. And I ESPECIALLY love my ibotta app (seriously, if you don’t have one… you should, it takes all of the time out of being a couponer, and still give you the benefits! https://ibotta.com/r/vuflxpj ) And Checkout 51 App, which I don’t use as much, but I can use the same receipts and sometimes can get a little extra cash for something I was doing anyway. I don’t have a link for this one, but should be easy to search for. And I just started using Ebates recently. I do like it, it definitely isn’t like the commercials “I got a check for $900 from Ebates!” I mean… it can be done, but if you are getting a check that big… you may have a shopping problem! LOL. Still, it is nice to get even that small check a few times a year. And if you are shopping online anyway (like I tend to do, especially now with a full time job AND a 9 month old) then it just makes sense to use it. (https://go/eba.tes/imsk/dLVFR0pgjF). I am a saver, and I feel good when I save even $0.25. LOL (I am not paid by any of these apps to review them, these are just my opinions and real experiences with them)

I have been trying to follow Dave Ramsey’s baby steps. I find it all very inspiring and it all makes sense to me. I am on step 4, which is really easy, just need to get my husband to actually set it up, because of his new job. And then step 5 is close behind. Then on to the looooooong Step 6. And we will be stuck there for a bit. But probably not as long as we originally planned. (Just my opinions of the system, I haven’t even read one of his books yet. LOL)

In the midst of crazy moving and living out of boxes, my husband and I decided to put it all on hold Saturday night to open a bottle of champagne and get in our hot tub. It was so wonderful. The hot tub is ‘new’ to us, though it is 15+ years old actually, and came with the house. I am very excited to be using this. It is on our back porch, and our back yard backs up to a county park, and is quiet, wooded and full of nature! We see deer every day and usually turkeys. We had a HUGE buck last week in our back yard!

I love to read. But it has been a while. A really long while and I don’t know when I will have the time to really get back into it.

Home improvement projects! I love them! Well, I love to start them. And then I get over my head. But it always gets finished and I am so proud of the work I have done! I will have to do a separate post for the cabinet transformations and the countertop paint jobs I have done on the new house. I am super pleased with them (again, on a budget, because I am pretty frugal). And the new house is FULL of projects, which is both exciting, and overwhelming.

I have a brown Boston Terrier. He is great. Super lazy, but awesome. I feel like he doesn’t get all of the attention he deserves anymore now that Baby Bach is in the picture. I feel bad. But I love my puppy and try to spend time with him on the couch each night after Baby Bach falls asleep, but with everything else involved in having a child, this doesn’t always happen. Baby Bach sure does love him though!

I really like Escape Rooms. They are puzzles and I LOVE puzzles and mysteries! I would do them every weekend if I could. I really wish I did these more, I really need to set one up soon!

B and I BOTH love Sherlock. Such an amazing show. Not enough of it of course. But Benedict Cumberbatch… so dreamy. (B probably think so too, hehe)

So… there is a little about me, other than what I post about.

S

Decisions

A lot of these have been made in the last year, big ones. And more need to be made. And they are so hard too! So much grey…

We will start with January. In January, the week B returned to work, he got a call from my BFF’s husband offering him a job opportunity. B wasn’t looking for a new job, though (as most people) he was often complaining and unhappy about things at his current job. There were pros and cons to both jobs. His current job was at a big company and he often worked 10+ hours a day, almost every Saturday (at one point we both stopped asking because Saturday became a given) and when in ‘critical status’ he worked many Sundays as well, which he rarely got paid extra for because he is salary. But the job offered benefits (not great ones, but met minimum requirements), was close to home, no traffic and also, I work there too! The new job offer was a small family owned company (grandpa, dad, son and uncle are the only employees) and there was a lot more flexibility. Fridays are a maybe, and if they do work, will be a half day. No weekends. Ever. And the opportunity to be more of a partner/owner of the business. The cons were that he did not offer benefits (though I still can get them for us through work), about an hour south of where we lived, WITHOUT traffic. And there is always traffic, so about an hour and 15-20 minutes commute. I never thought he would consider the new job offer.

He took it.

It has been nice seeing him every weekend, and being able to COUNT ON seeing him every weekend so we can make plans! He doesn’t complain about work EVER anymore. And other than the drive, things seem to be going much better.

This new job he took is much closer to the place I grew up and where I always wanted to move to, so we put our house up for sale, sold it VERY quick and bought a new house in my hometown, where I am excited to raise my son.

So many hard decisions were made. But for some reason this is the one I’m struggling to make: finding a new job for me.

I now have a 55-minute commute to my job. I only work 4 days a week right now, so it hasn’t been terrible. Except the drive in (home isn’t bad). But the drive in scares me… I get so tired and have to slap myself on the cheek sometimes. Like this morning. I’m waking up much earlier than I did before, and I know it will take some getting used to, but it was scary this morning. How long can I keep this up? I really SHOULDN’T be doing this! I don’t think I will ever actually fall asleep while driving, I’m a picky sleeper. But what if I did? I can’t even think about that.

I know that I need to do something. Here are my options:

A – sleep in later and go into work later, which means staying longer and getting home later. Maybe not a bad idea now… but the snow will be coming soon enough and will mess up all kinds of things!

B – Find a new job.

Wow…. in my head I actually thought there were more options than that. Then I wrote them. Crap…

On the new job front, when DH accepted the offer of the other job my BFF’s dad offered to get me into an interview for a position he is hiring for at his company (A big 3 company). But while the distance was much shorter, the traffic would make the whole commute each way even longer than what I am doing right now. Plus, I was told that all of their jobs are full time, I’m doing 32 hours right now, and I like having that extra day to spend with Baby Bach.

Last Sunday at B’s friend’s parents house, one of their family members who also works at the same big 3 company told me that she has connections to another location, one MUCH closer to my new house, and could pass my resume along there. No brainer, right? Even if I have to go back full time, my shortened driving time should allow me more time with Baby Bach.

So…. why am I having such a hard time considering new jobs?

I have written a post in the past about how much I hate the people who run this place, I hate that they do the bare minimum for their employees and do not support infertility diagnosis or treatments in their health plans and that they told me ‘never going to happen’ when I went to advocate it. I obviously HATE the new drive. I hate that there are times that I am bored as hell, and then times I am so busy and get no support.

But I love my coworkers. (most of them). I love them so much and I will miss them like crazy if I leave. I am loyal to them, and feel that I will be letting them down if I leave. (Though my boss has multiple times told me he understands if I decide to leave based on our move). It is just a hard thought knowing that if I leave here, it would be the last time I ever see so many (if not all) of these people. People that I have seen almost every day for 6+ years. People I spend more time with in a day than DH or Baby Bach. It is scary to think of starting over in a new place, with new people. There will be new people, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be other good people out there. And it’s not like if I stayed here forever that I would be in the same group the whole time anyway…

This is such a big decision, but something that has to be made.

What do I do?

In other decision news: My cycle came back. I have decided I’m not ready for another child right now. And I am not ready for the chaos and losses that will come with TTC that child. Ha, look at me acting like I am guaranteed a second child. Oh silly me. I’m definitely not ready to face those kinds of unknowns again. And I’m not sure when or IF I will be. I’m happy with my baby boy right now. And just him. I have decided that is enough for the moment.

Life is crazy.

-S

What they don’t tell you…

 

My Breastfeeding experience.

Before Baby Bach was born, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. So I took a class at the local hospital to learn more. The class taught that breastfeeding doesn’t hurt if latched correctly, Baby will eat 10-12 times a day in the early days (about every 2 hours), breastfeeding sessions can take as long as 20-40  minutes. And it helps you to get your shape back.

I have been breastfeeding Baby Bach for 8.5 months now and my verdict is: False, on all counts. 0 for 4. At least for my experience, I know some people have much more ‘typical’ experiences.

I know that the classes are probably designed to make breastfeeding look more appealing. But I think it would have helped me to know the ugly side, not just the positives (and there are so many positives, it is definitely not all bad). Then I wouldn’t have been thrown off so bad in those early weeks when I was lucky to have a whole hour a day without a baby on my blistered, bleeding and throbbing nipples.

The worst part of those early weeks was the PAIN! Even when I corrected a latch, once the pain was there, the healing was near impossible when they didn’t get a chance to be left alone to heal. Those first nights I would dread when my baby got hungry. He would latch on and I would SCREAM! It scared my husband how bad I would wail. And I would just cry. I would cry before he latched on because I knew how bad it was about to hurt. I went to the OB, and of course the doctors and nurses there tell me how much it hurt in their experiences, but the lactation nurses still were adamant that ‘it shouldn’t hurt’. I do think that this was the result of a bad latch at some point, but once the damage was there, even a correct latch hurts due to lack of healing time. I think what eventually helped this was at around 2.5 months I was prescribed Newman’s Nipple Cream (Also been called APNO All Purpose Nipple Ointment), why it took so long for someone to even tell me about this, I have no idea, but seriously, the stuff is amazing and if you are struggling, I highly recommend it.

RE: Eating every 2-3 hours. HA! Try 2 hours STRAIGHT, and then a 20 minute break and right back on. The class I took NEVER even mentioned cluster feeding. I really wish they would have, because I think this is a big reason that mom’s stop breastfeeding. Cluster feeding is not only NORMAL but it is NECESSARY to build and maintain a mom’s milk supply. There are many nights of nursing EVERY HOUR. But this does not last forever, but it does come and go a lot in the first 3 months. Cluster feeding made me feel that my baby wasn’t getting enough and was starving, and it is so hard. So incredibly hard to wonder if you are starving your baby or not. Luckily I went to many lactation appointments to do weigh ins before and after feedings so that I would know how much my son was getting. This questioning leads many moms to start supplementing because they don’t feel that they are making enough (and some really don’t) but once the supplementing starts, the stimulation of milk production stops. I considered formula many times through those first nights, but I am glad I stuck it out now looking back.

RE: Feeding sessions can take 20-40 minutes. See above. They do get shorter over time, but it took quite a while. My son now takes 20 minutes to nurse, but in the early weeks the BEST we could do was 45 minutes. (I really think if I was more hands on, I could have cut this down more, but I will get to that later).

RE: Getting your shape back. I have found in my experience that it is VERY difficult to lose weight during breastfeeding. Because I burn so many extra calories, I am so hungry. All. The. Time. I do not stop eating because I am full, I stop because I run out of food. And I did notice that eating less meant making less milk for me (though there are people who can diet and exercise and still breastfeed).

Around 2.5 months I was told that my baby (small to begin with) wasn’t big enough and I would have to supplement. For 2 weeks he got about 2-4oz of formula per day, which was SO hard on someone who worked so hard and was so set on breastfeeding, it seriously made me feel like a huge failure. I would like to say that NO ONE WHO FEEDS THEIR CHILD IS A FAILURE! But it still felt like that. I wanted to give up entirely at that point.

I tried all of the supplements and teas and foods that were recommended by the lactation consultants. Not a dang thing. Power pumping (basically being connected to this thing all day)… nada.

But… I did turn it around. And my son has been exclusively breastfed ever since. And that boy can EAT!

Things I learned:

Don’t set a timer. Listen to your body. I would go 20 minutes, and then instead of turning the pump off, I would wait for 1 more let down. And this let down, while only producing a small amount, told my body to make that much more each time.

HANDS ON! This is so important. The pump is not smart. It doesn’t understand that each person is different. You need to interact with it and help it. This means pushing the milk from the outside, down towards your nipple and feeling for hard parts where milk might be built up and really squeezing that stuff out (I tell people to treat their boobs like they are the last tube of toothpaste!) and play around with the pump settings. I don’t think I ever pump higher than medium strength. I start at medium and then turn it down to low after 2 letdowns and let it stay there until after let down #3. This is going to be unique to each person.

Night pump! Even when baby sleeps through the night, I have to pump. He started sleeping 6 hours at night around 6 weeks, and THAT is when my supply went down. When I started middle of the night pumping I was getting about 2oz then, hardly worth it, but as I kept going, I now get a decent 8oz ish in the middle of the night. I was told I could sleep through the night when my baby did and my supply would adjust. Nope. No sir. Not this chick. Oh how I wish. I miss my sleep.

Listen to your body. You know it best.

I now have a nice stash that I never thought I would ever have. It took me a while to get it, and I still only get to add to it once in a while. I don’t make a TON (some people I know make 100oz a day!) but I make enough most days.

It is work. Hard work. But I am so grateful that I can make it happen. I don’t feel that “Amazing most natural thing, wonderful bond and connection” that most people talk about, but I am so happy to be doing it still. And I think I will be sad when I do stop. I don’t have plans yet, I am just taking it day by day. I want to do what is best for my baby, but ALSO to do what is best for ME!

If anyone ever wants to talk or bitch and complain or ask questions. Please do. I am not saying this is the route for you or if it will work, but this is what my experience has been. Only you know what is best for you and baby.

What’s Next?

First, I want to update on Baby Bach.

He is doing so amazing. 6.5 months he started crawling, and then 2 days later he started standing up and pulling himself up on ANYTHING he could reach. Uh oh… He is a little over 7 months now and getting into everything! Loves to open drawers and tries to pull the outlet covers out of the sockets! And trying to climb the baby gate. He is such a stinker!! But I am so amazed with how smart and clever that little boy is! He is so determined! I think he will be walking without help any day now.

He is soooo happy. Like incredibly happy. All you have to do is look at this kid to get a big gummy smile. It makes every day that I don’t get a minute to myself or a second to rest completely worth it. When he smiles I can feel my heart change. He makes everyone around him so happy.

Now onto what’s next:

I have no idea.

The thought of going through the unknown and loss after loss again is hard to even ponder. The not knowing was most of the torture. I know the risks we will have to take and that since nothing can be done in our situation, we will go through everything over again. But it was worth it for my little boy. Everything was.

The part that makes my stomach hurt when thinking about doing all of this again, surprisingly isn’t all of that. It is the situation with my MIL. The hurt she has put on me makes me angry most days still. But it makes my stomach turn to think about having another child and having everything that went down with her happen again. THAT is what I am most terrified of. I have talked to DH about this and he agreed to ‘talk to her’ about the whole thing. When he ‘talked to her’ I don’t know what he said (I had left the room because she was giving death glares and disrespecting my parenting HARD and made a passive aggressive comment that made me have to remove myself from the situation so I didn’t say or do something stupid, which made DH mad at me because apparently that wasn’t the right way to handle it… so maybe he would have rather I ripped my screaming son away from her, told her to stop acting like she is better than anyone and like a child at the same time and left with my son.) but he ‘talked’ to her after that and he told me that she said “I wasn’t talking to her”. And that was it. THAT WAS THE TALK, and he was like “Oh.. okay”. BS! That A******* knew what she was saying and who it was intended for, even if she was facing towards someone else (remember how she wouldn’t look at me or speak to me?) She is passive aggressive and intended it for me. I know it, she knows it.

Wow… that wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant. Sorry guys. I am trying to learn how to forgive without an apology. Forgiveness that is not face-to-face, but within myself. Forgiveness that does not mean reconciliation OR forgetting. Even that is hard because obviously DH can just forget about it. I think he is slowly seeing how wrong she is and that this is HER fault, not just me being difficult.

But it does make me sad, because THIS is what I think about when I think of having more kids. The hurt of how she took us down from our highest moment was a worse feeling to me than all it took to get to our baby boy. It hurt deeper than the losses, than the diagnosis. Because those things are out of everyone’s control. And this wasn’t. This was malicious intent to hurt from someone who is supposed to be family.

I am not looking forward to it, but I know I can make it through the losses and the hurt and the unknown again. I survived it once. But I don’t know if I can risk being hurt like she has hurt me again.

We saw her last weekend and she has tried to be nice to me the last couple of times we have seen her (All of which are initiated by us, because she still puts no effort into being in our lives) but I still try to avoid her and keep answers short. She can be the nicest person for the rest of her days to me (which she wont), it will NEVER make up for what she did and not taking accountability for it and apologizing.

And I am so mad at myself. How am I letting her affect me so much? She is a crappy human being. How am I letting her make me feel this way? Why am I letting that A******* affect my decision to have more kids?

Why does she hurt me so much?

Another thought I have been having when I think about more kids: I am LOVING Baby Bach SOOOO much! I am enjoying my time with him and I couldn’t imagine loving someone else so much (though I am sure I would). I don’t want to take time away from him (more than I already do for work). I want to enjoy every second with this kid and be able to give him all of my attention and energy (of course DH will get some too). I feel like my life is so full with him, I don’t need another. This may change in the future, but I don’t want to just start trying because I know how long it might take. I am just not ready for another child right now, and I may never be. Which is so much different than I had pictured. DH want s kids close in age, which I understand is ideal for the kids, it is what I had always imagined too, but I am not going to start trying just because it is what society thinks is best for my child. He may be an only child. That shouldn’t mean his life isn’t as full of love and happiness as a child with a sibling.

Right now, I am so happy with my boy and DH. And I am so grateful to have them. I will be happy as a family of 3 if that is what is in our cards. And for now, that is all I want to be.