Long Overdue

I’ve been keeping up with reading all of your blogs, but I have not wrote the update on the birth of my son, for many reasons, one being time of course! But the biggest reason is that while it was such an amazing long awaited moment, it is gut wrenching to recall some of the horrible feelings I had and cannot let go of, but we will get to that.

First and most importantly: Our beautiful baby was born on Thanksgiving day! A week early. Dad always told him “Just wait until after Thanksgiving”… so I think we are going to have a little boundary pusher on our hands!!! He was 5lbs 11oz and 18 inches long. Very tiny for a term baby, but I guess his dad was too. Perfectly healthy and strong and has the most perfect, beautiful and big eyes.

I’m an odd person I guess, because I did not want anyone but DH and I at the hospital when he was born. I didn’t even want to tell people when I went into labor because I didn’t want to have DH or I constantly updating people and I didn’t want to think of what other people were thinking at all. I mean, I was terrified at the thought of people showing up, and I made this clear, for weeks ahead of time, I wanted no one to show up, even in the waiting room, because I felt it would put pressure on me, and this was mine and DH’s moment and it was not to be interrupted for updates or anything. But we did decide to call our moms and tell them not to tell anyone, and don’t show up or call or text and that WE would let them know if they needed to know anything. I mean, I was more scared of someone showing up than I was of the thought of having a C-section (which I didn’t need, thankfully).

So when I was butt naked, no drugs (I did eventually get an epidural), in pain and having contractions and the nurse tells me “You have visitors.” I FLIPPED OUT! I started yelling “Why am I being disrespected?!?!” and DH said he would go take care of it and I told him No, he is not supposed to be leaving me, and he said he was going to take care of it I started yelling “Kick their asses!” through my tears. He left. I was standing butt naked with a nurse (Who I did not like) supporting me while I was going through a contraction. He came back and I asked “Was it my mom?” and he said “No, it was my mom”. I am getting so angry and upset thinking about it. How could she make this about her? She made the baby shower about her, couldn’t I have my labor and delivery at least??? Apparently not. She was told not to come. She disrespected me and came anyway.

I called my mom crying because I was so upset that DH and I’s experience was ruined. And DH tried to calm me down, eventually I calmed down as I had other things to focus on.

Our son was born at 6:45PM after only 25 minutes of pushing (Thank God, I was so tired!). His face was just so amazing, he didn’t look like how I thought he would, he was even more beautiful than I ever imagined. I looked up to see DH, who I had seen cry ONCE ever, in tears and overjoyed to have his son. We talked about the middle name (which was what we had been disagreeing on) and he allowed me to give him my Grandpa’s middle name, and he was very happy to do so. Despite all of the drama MIL had caused, everything was perfect.

We told our parents to come up, he was here.

DH couldn’t get a hold of his mom.

My parents both showed up and met him and left.

DH kept calling and kept getting the voicemail.

I showered, we moved rooms. He kept getting nothing. It was SO HEART WRENCHING to see him go from his happiest proudest moment to devastation. He was a proud dad and he wanted to share that with his mom, and he was heartbroken.

Finally, hours later, she called and just destroyed us. She was at the casino and said to DH “Well YOU didn’t want us there!” no congratulations… no how is everyone doing. Nothing. It broke him. Though he didn’t show it much, it hurt him deep. And it made me feel like the worst person in the world. On the day I gave birth after 5 losses and shitty odds, I felt like a bad person. She finally showed up hours later, because why would she leave the casino right away to meet her ONLY grandchild?

She walked in well after I needed to go to sleep and what was the first thing she said? “Well, YOU didn’t want us here, YOU made that VERY clear.” (apparently telling her not to show up in a civilized manner doesn’t make things clear to her)

I will add that I didn’t know when I was yelling and screaming that they were AT MY DOOR! I was FURIOUS when I realized this later. That makes me feel so violated to think about even now! What the hell did she think was going to happen?? What did she think was going on in the delivery room that she was told to stay out of?

Anyway, DH tried telling her “No one was supposed to be there” and she kept “Well, I was just trying to see how she was doing” DH:”NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE” MIL “But I just wanted to know… blah blah blah” It was all I, I, I… Also, she never spoke to me during her visit at all. She didn’t hug me, ask me how I was doing, tell me great job. Nothing. He kept trying to make her feel better by explaining that it wasn’t against her specifically (I didn’t even know who was there). Meanwhile, I was sinking and dying and doing everything I could to hold myself together. I kept trying to say nice things to her, and ask her things and trying to make her feel better, while I was exhausted from giving birth, and choking back tears.

She asked DH what his name was, he told her and then she repeated it with a VERY disgusted and questioning tone. That hit like daggers. And DH said “Yes, it is O D B” and she just said “Oh.”

Then they left after a little bit and really hasn’t called to check on him since. In 5 months she has come to visit him ONCE (and this was because I was pissed that they were supposed to come up and never showed up or called or anything, so DH had to call to be like “WTF” and she said the weather was bad, ummmm… you couldn’t call or text us to let us know that?”. Called to check on him ONCE that I am aware of.

And I feel like it is all my fault. I have been riddled with guilt for 5 months. Because she made me feel that way.

That is how my MIL took the most amazing moment of my life and made it about her. That is how she made me feel guilty on the day I gave birth to her grandchild. That is how she made me feel like I had something to make up to HER when she met him.

And she won. I feel guilty. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I took my husband down from his proudest moment. And her? She just gets to happily live her life while DH forgets about everything because it makes him mad to think about it, and he takes Baby down to see her once in a blue moon to make her happy (though she never asks him to). And me? Well, no one is concerned about my feelings. No one cares that I get sick to my stomach when I hear her voice. No one cares that I think about this every day and I feel ashamed of MYSELF, even though I KNOW I did nothing wrong. She made the bad choices, never apologized, and I have to live with the consequences.

I need to figure out how to forgive someone who doesn’t apologize, because my son deserves so much better than a sad and guilt ridden mom. But I don’t know how.

My vote DOES count

And I will make a choice that I can be satisfied with.

Maybe it is hormones, but I don’t think it is. A friend sent me a text today that makes me want to discontinue a friendship, and it really won’t break my heart to do so with this person anyway.

Today most of America has been put in an unfortunate situation, voting between 2 candidates that both have low approval ratings and are not adequate to run this country (my opinion, but I know is shared by MANY others). How we got here, I will still never understand, but here we are. We have a choice. But we have the right to make ANY choice we want. This means we never have to choose the lesser of 2 evils. There are literally millions of options. I know a lot (most) people think that not voting for one of the 2 devils means that a person throws a vote away. But I have always felt that I would rather keep my values and vote for the person I find best fit to run this country, whether they are a popular choice, or even a nominee or not. I won’t throw away my values to ‘stop’ a different person from winning. I do get this logic, but it isn’t the choice that I would make, certainly not as an (almost) parent.

Here is the text my friend sent: “An article I read made a great point about voting third party. If you are voting for your conscience, the reward is only briefly satisfying, but when the worst case scenario is destroying the country, all you are going to have is that brief period of fleeting morality that will quickly dissipate when you realize that a vote for the other side would have helped stopped the destruction”

Oh man…. just typing that is making my blood boil even more. I know my face is getting red.

I am not going to say who I voted for, or what party, or even where I have always stood.

But to be told that if I vote, but not for Trump or Hillary (Devil or Satan) that I have contributed to destroying my country….. F*** this B****!!!! Seriously. I will not throw my country OR my values away, and if that means voting for someone other than these 2, then THAT is what I will do damn it! (Let’s not even mention that I don’t live in a swing state anyway)

I am satisfied with my vote. I voted for a person I could see fit to run this country. I will not be satisfied with the outcome of this election, that I know. But I will be satisfied with my choice. And I am proud that I did not sacrifice my beliefs.

I still don’t know how we got here America….

Go vote today.

But really, who does that?

So in my previous post I mentioned my high school best friend being pregnant. I’ll start from the beginning, which is about 10 years ago.

We will call her Brad, because, why not?

Brad and I were best friends in high school, both had rough family life and supported each other and our siblings through everything. We were like 1 family. She did have a tendency to do stupid things and get herself in dumb situations, once landing her in the back of a cop car. Also liked to experiment with drugs but was a very intelligent person, did very well in school and was really going places.

She went into foster care her senior year and because she was a ward of the state, she got college completely paid for. So she went to college, and decided to party and do drugs and skip classes. But she was still going.

One day I got a call from Brad asking if I could come home from college for the weekend, and when I asked why she said that I couldn’t tell anyone “I’m getting married” and when you tell your best friend you are getting married, her response should never be “to who????” Brad: “To J” Me: “Who is J?” keep in mind a month before this she was dating a different guy… J was a bouncer at the club Brad stripped at. Being a good (and smart, I like to think) friend, I asked “Are you sure about this?” and she said “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life”

So they got married, which meant that Brad lost her college money and dropped out (Seriously, I want to slap ANYONE who doesn’t take advantage of the gift of free tuition).

Then they (her at 19, him at like 30) got pregnant, he didn’t want kids, but she did, isn’t that something you think you would talk about before getting married? Announced it via MySpace, that’s how I found out, then it didn’t work out, pregnant again, didn’t work out. And eventually pregnant a 3rd time.

Now I don’t think it is a problem for a woman to have a glass of wine in the 3rd trimester (I haven’t, but that is my choice) but she would go to the bar and have a glass of wine, and I wasn’t there, but she definitely got quite the buzz, and she admitted it. She also drank beer what she said was occasionally but I suspect from being around her, it was more than occasional. But again, probably not enough to create an issue.

She planned on a natural birth at a birthing center, which she achieved. She did have to go in when her water broke because of Group B Strep to get antibiotics.

I asked her about plans for another baby, her husband said no, he has an oops from when he was 17 and now this one that he didn’t even want, though he does love both of his kids and is a good dad. She told me “I oopsed this one, I’ll just oops another”. Sounds like a great marriage.

So over the last 8 years she has left her husband, but not divorced because she doesn’t want to be divorced, slept with other guys (because a divorcee is awful, but adulterer is okay), became a lesbian (which she was into both guys and girls in high school), moved back in with her husband, happily married, but separate. Her life, not mine, whatever.

During this time, she lost a ton of weight and started bragging on Facebook and even a local TV show about how healthy her life was, while she would call me and tell me she doesn’t eat because she would rather buy tequila and drink, and doesn’t have enough money for food. I’m not sure what she believed then. But I am convinced now she really does believe she is super healthy. She claims she is a vegetarian and brags about it and makes people who aren’t feel bad, and at the same time gets a patty melt when we go out to eat. She claims she doesn’t eat GMOs and her son NEVER has. Which is BS, because when he was little, all he would eat were french fries and toaster waffles. I know he ate some things that have GMOs, shit, they are in so many things!

In the meantime, we would still do Facetime dates, have a glass of wine and chat. And she would show me all of her empty tequila bottles that she was so proud of and would light up a bowl or bong  or joint EVERY TIME. She also decided to home school her son, which is each parent’s choice, but really, are you doing him any good while you are drunk and high?

A few months went by when I hadn’t talked to her, then I texted her to ask for her address for the shower invitation, and it was not where her and her husband were living before, apparently she lived 3 places since then. And she was now living with a guy named… I can’t even remember! So we will go with A as it is the first letter of the alphabet.

Sent the invite, got a text a month or so later, she didn’t get the invite because she had moved AGAIN. And here is the bombshell (really the above was just stupid ranting about her in general): SHE IS PREGNANT.

She told me that her and A have so much better energy together than her and J did. And that she was doing this one all natural at home. She hasn’t went to the doctor yet, and does not intend to do any ultrasounds or anything. WHO FREAKING DOES THAT???? Especially when you have had losses in that past?!?! And she had Group B Strep the first time, if she has it again, and doesn’t know and doesn’t get treated, she could make her baby very ill!! Or if it is breech? And they BOTH could die???

She told me “I am so healthy, I know it’s fine”… yeah… then look at us girls on here, we are healthy too, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have issues.

Some states have laws stating that it is considered neglect and illegal to not receive prenatal care, but our state isn’t one of them. I am so scared for that baby, and SO angry at her for not taking this gift as seriously as I feel she should. This is ridiculous! WHO DOES THAT? I was so irate when she told me, and I still am, obviously.

Also, she is a stripper, I’m not sure that will go well while pregnant… But maybe there are crazy people with that fetish.

I am seriously disappointed in her. She has made a lot of dumb decisions. A LOT (obviously). But not getting proper care for your unborn child, this really takes the cake. Just when I thought she couldn’t lose her mind any more.

Super judgy rant I know. But I had to get it all out. I still can’t believe her.

 

 

I still get jealous….

But not in the same way as Nick Jonas.

A couple of months ago, the morning of my best friend’s wedding, I woke up to a text from my other best friend “I guess I will be not drinking with you!! LOL” And the picture of a positive pregnancy test. I may have already wrote about this. But she got pregnant her first try with #1, and this was her first “If it happens, it happens” month for #2. And I felt crushed…

Sunday B got a call from a friend congratulating us, as he didn’t know we were expecting (you know, not using Facebook and all) and told us that him and his wife were expecting in March. Why did my heart sink?

(I also got another ‘announcement’ from my high school best friend in between these, but we can get to that in another post.)

Before we started this agonizing journey, these announcements were very exciting and cause for celebration for me. And I guess I hoped that now that we are finally expecting our rainbow (God willing) that maybe these feelings would come back. But these announcements still sting me. I mean, these are good people, and they deserve children. They didn’t go through what we did, and I am glad they didn’t, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. So why do I feel this way when they share their wonderful news?

In some ways, this journey has made me a much better person, and I am grateful for those qualities, but in other ways, it has made me worse. I am so bitter. And I am upset that the bitterness isn’t going away.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get upset over EVERY pregnancy announcement. The ladies on here and on the forums I am on, I am so incredibly ecstatic that I go into tears of happiness when I see all who struggled get their family. But no matter how babies came into this world, they should all be celebrated the same, right? Why can’t I do this?

S

Nothing comes easy

Well…. not for me it seems. I know plenty of people that things come easy for: My friend that texted me a positive test a few weeks ago telling me “I’ll be sitting out with you at the wedding today, lol” This was a result of her “If it happens this month, it happens” approach. As was her first child, conceived on ‘try’ #1. So there is one person who will never understand even a single month of a negative test. Not that I wish she had trouble, I wouldn’t want that at all for her or anyone (except maybe the cast of Teen Mom, do they ever stop?) but it still is nice to have people understand. I do believe it has made us all more compassionate people.

But enough of that. We all have those people in our lives and can rant all day about it.

I have been so blessed to be having a ‘perfect’ pregnancy. I have felt great, minimal symptoms and have been so grateful for that, but mostly that I have been able to keep my baby safe. Now I have gestational diabetes. I found out a week ago and could do nothing to stop myself from breaking down and crying. Am I hurting my boy? Is he okay? What do I need to do? And I couldn’t find these answers anywhere. I called the OBs office to which I was told the nurse would call me and set up an appointment. 6 DAYS LATER she called with my results (that I had already known for DAYS) and told me to pick up a prescription for testing supplies and that the diabetes management office would call me and let me know when they have the next ‘classes’ starting. This just seemed so unreasonable to me. I wanted some help and support 6 days ago! And now you are telling me that I have to wait for someone to call me… and then hope that I have the time and days open to go to their classes that are already set up?! I need answers! If I am hurting my baby in anyway, I need to know how to fix it, not in a week, not next month, RIGHT NOW! Que the second full day full blown breakdown. At my desk on the phone trying not to cry (failed) then trying not to let anyone see (I think I succeeded here). I tried getting a hold of everyone, the nurse, the OB, and kept being told just monitor your blood sugar “When? How?” and the response I got would be to just follow the directions. “What directions?” So I had the pharmacist try to help me understand when to test, which I have been for almost a day now, but I have been given no guidelines on what is okay? What isn’t? When should I worry or contact someone? So I have relied on google to give me these answers, obviously not a great choice, but at least I finally got SOME kind of an answer!

So I guess my complication free pregnancy is no longer. But I know it could be much worse. I don’t know much yet, and I don’t know when I will get answers. There are so many scary complications that go with GD.

I am very grateful that Baby B seems to still be as crazy as ever. I am so happy to be to this point, but at 31 weeks, couldn’t I just have gotten through the last 9 without issues? I guess I felt in a way the world owed me something, because of all of the losses and heartache it took to get here. And I am getting what I want out of it still (I hope)… but Man… Can’t a girl get through any pregnancy easy?

I couldn’t type this for days, I have been far too upset to even think or talk about it. But I am feeling better now that I can at least monitor myself. Only a couple of months left. All for a healthy baby.

S

 

Name

To me, I have always loved a name with meaning. I used to spend hours looking up meanings of names as a kid and deciding what first and middle names went together and had meaning.

B and I had a difficult time finding a boy name we agreed on. We had one we tentatively agreed on a couple of years ago, during pregnancy #1.

After our struggle began, I knew that if we had a boy, Isaac was my absolute top name, not only is it beautiful, but it holds so much meaning as the son the God had promised Abraham and Sarah. I knew I definitely wanted a biblical name.

B doesn’t like Isaac. So I have suggested other biblical names that I like as well. He likes none of them.

The name that we agreed on a couple of years ago is still the ONLY  one that we both could live with (B has come up with some real, I’ll say ‘interesting’, name choices that I will never go for). Going with this name would mean not having a biblical name. And though I like the name, it still doesn’t have the meaning that I want so desperately.

So, I figured I could settle for his middle name having the meaning it should.

B always knew that I wanted to have our child’s middle name be my grandpa’s middle name. It has been no secret. In fact, a lot of my family knows this. We had discussed before we were even married that neither of us particularly like our own names, most people would picture a much older couple if they heard our names together. So when B brought up a few months ago that he actually wants to have our son’s middle name be B, it shocked me. But mostly, my heart is breaking right now.

I can understand that he wants his son to have part of his name (that he doesn’t even like) so I could never tell him “No”. But I don’t think he understands how badly I want to give this child’s name meaning. I mean, yeah, his middle name being B says that he is B’s son… but that’s what his last name does too! It’s not a common last name whatsoever. I tried telling him last night how badly I want to be able to give this child my grandpa’s middle name. My grandparents are the reason I am where I am today. Without their help in my life, I would never have even been in the situation I was in to be able to meet B! And then this baby wouldn’t even exist.

What bothers me the most about this is that he let me dream and plan for so long, I mean, I KNEW this would be our son’s last name if I ever had one. I had even written it down many times on many things and kept it in my wallet as a dream, and I showed it to B often. And he never said anything. And out of nowhere, now that we are having a baby (hopefully) and it is a boy, he drops this on me. He let me dream and plan, and then took it away.

And I will give in. Unfortunately I can’t say ‘compromise’ because there isn’t a half way point in something like this. And I know that I will have to give in. Just like I did on his first name. I feel like B has named this baby on his own, and I only got to dismiss a couple of ‘interesting’ name choices.

No biblical name. No grandfather’s name. I mean, not even my family’s last name obviously.

Again, so grateful to be having this child. But because he is such a precious miracle, I want his name to be reflective of that.

I am so heartbroken. I know it’s ‘just a name’ in the end. But names have always meant so much to me. A way to introduce a person into their life and into the world. A way to honor the people who helped you become who you are.

I want B to allow me my grandpa’s middle name, but without feeling like he is giving in too.

S

 

Blissfully ignorant

…is something that I just can’t be.

I cringe every time someone touches my belly. And people still don’t seem to stop or take their hand away. I really hate the feeling and just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

In the last 2 days, 3 people have asked me for belly pics, and I tell them all that I haven’t taken any, because I haven’t. And I tell them that “No… I won’t” and they get all pushy. I probably don’t even need to tell any of you, because it is obvious, these people didn’t struggle (And yes, I do know that). So here I am on the verge of tears because I feel like I am disappointing everyone.

What makes me most sad is that 2 years ago, I pictured myself doing all of these things. Belly pics each week with a cute outfit and signs designating the week number, letting people feel my baby kick. And even a year ago, 3 losses in and a terrible diagnosis, I said that if I ever got to XX weeks, I would start doing belly pics and celebrating like a ‘normal’ pregnant woman would.

And now here I am. Third trimester. Not one single photo of myself below the shoulders. And I keep hearing stories from people saying they wish they would have done pictures, and B saying that he wants me to take some so that we can have them for memories. I really don’t want to show anyone, because for one, I still feel like I’m rubbing it in if I do something like that, and I don’t want to make anyone hurt who is struggling, because I know the feeling all too well. I see shirts in the maternity store that have sayings “Bun in the oven” And other various bump comments, and I could never bring myself to advertise it like that. And I feel like taking pictures and letting others see them is doing the same thing. Plus, sending them to people I would start getting the comments of how adorable it is and how exciting and blah blah blah that is meant to be nice, but I am still frightened by the excitement of others. I hate that everyone else’s excitement upsets me and makes me want to cry. I’m jealous of it, I want to be that excited, but anxiety takes over still.

And I want to cry because I feel like I already do regret not doing pictures. I’ve lost 2 trimesters of opportunity and I feel like it is too late to start now (though I know it is not). I just want to make my husband happy, because I don’t care that other people complain about not getting pictures, but I feel like I have already failed him even.

I just don’t get how I can be upset at the thought of doing something, and upset at the fact that I haven’t done it at the same time. I think I could do some pictures in private with just me and B, and no one else would know, then I might actually enjoy that. Maybe it’s because he and I have been let down before, but the thought of letting others get excited to be let down feels like a giant weight on my shoulders. I am so busy trying to protect everyone’s feelings, because they aren’t.

I haven’t even let people see ultrasound pictures. I sent 1 3D image to my mom and aunt and grandma and MIL, and my mom cried. So I probably won’t do that anymore. I have so many pictures, and I make sure to hide everything when family comes over so they don’t see them. My sister and my dad haven’t seen ANY ultrasound pictures. They are also the 2 most sensitive ones in my family.

I feel so much regret in not ‘celebrating’ this pregnancy in the traditional way and I don’t know if that regret is enough to over power the anxiety that has been stopping me.

All of this being said, I am of course IMMENSELY grateful for my baby boy that God has given me to carry. I will never take this for granted, as I know how incredibly lucky I am.

S