What they don’t tell you…

 

My Breastfeeding experience.

Before Baby Bach was born, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. So I took a class at the local hospital to learn more. The class taught that breastfeeding doesn’t hurt if latched correctly, Baby will eat 10-12 times a day in the early days (about every 2 hours), breastfeeding sessions can take as long as 20-40  minutes. And it helps you to get your shape back.

I have been breastfeeding Baby Bach for 8.5 months now and my verdict is: False, on all counts. 0 for 4. At least for my experience, I know some people have much more ‘typical’ experiences.

I know that the classes are probably designed to make breastfeeding look more appealing. But I think it would have helped me to know the ugly side, not just the positives (and there are so many positives, it is definitely not all bad). Then I wouldn’t have been thrown off so bad in those early weeks when I was lucky to have a whole hour a day without a baby on my blistered, bleeding and throbbing nipples.

The worst part of those early weeks was the PAIN! Even when I corrected a latch, once the pain was there, the healing was near impossible when they didn’t get a chance to be left alone to heal. Those first nights I would dread when my baby got hungry. He would latch on and I would SCREAM! It scared my husband how bad I would wail. And I would just cry. I would cry before he latched on because I knew how bad it was about to hurt. I went to the OB, and of course the doctors and nurses there tell me how much it hurt in their experiences, but the lactation nurses still were adamant that ‘it shouldn’t hurt’. I do think that this was the result of a bad latch at some point, but once the damage was there, even a correct latch hurts due to lack of healing time. I think what eventually helped this was at around 2.5 months I was prescribed Newman’s Nipple Cream (Also been called APNO All Purpose Nipple Ointment), why it took so long for someone to even tell me about this, I have no idea, but seriously, the stuff is amazing and if you are struggling, I highly recommend it.

RE: Eating every 2-3 hours. HA! Try 2 hours STRAIGHT, and then a 20 minute break and right back on. The class I took NEVER even mentioned cluster feeding. I really wish they would have, because I think this is a big reason that mom’s stop breastfeeding. Cluster feeding is not only NORMAL but it is NECESSARY to build and maintain a mom’s milk supply. There are many nights of nursing EVERY HOUR. But this does not last forever, but it does come and go a lot in the first 3 months. Cluster feeding made me feel that my baby wasn’t getting enough and was starving, and it is so hard. So incredibly hard to wonder if you are starving your baby or not. Luckily I went to many lactation appointments to do weigh ins before and after feedings so that I would know how much my son was getting. This questioning leads many moms to start supplementing because they don’t feel that they are making enough (and some really don’t) but once the supplementing starts, the stimulation of milk production stops. I considered formula many times through those first nights, but I am glad I stuck it out now looking back.

RE: Feeding sessions can take 20-40 minutes. See above. They do get shorter over time, but it took quite a while. My son now takes 20 minutes to nurse, but in the early weeks the BEST we could do was 45 minutes. (I really think if I was more hands on, I could have cut this down more, but I will get to that later).

RE: Getting your shape back. I have found in my experience that it is VERY difficult to lose weight during breastfeeding. Because I burn so many extra calories, I am so hungry. All. The. Time. I do not stop eating because I am full, I stop because I run out of food. And I did notice that eating less meant making less milk for me (though there are people who can diet and exercise and still breastfeed).

Around 2.5 months I was told that my baby (small to begin with) wasn’t big enough and I would have to supplement. For 2 weeks he got about 2-4oz of formula per day, which was SO hard on someone who worked so hard and was so set on breastfeeding, it seriously made me feel like a huge failure. I would like to say that NO ONE WHO FEEDS THEIR CHILD IS A FAILURE! But it still felt like that. I wanted to give up entirely at that point.

I tried all of the supplements and teas and foods that were recommended by the lactation consultants. Not a dang thing. Power pumping (basically being connected to this thing all day)… nada.

But… I did turn it around. And my son has been exclusively breastfed ever since. And that boy can EAT!

Things I learned:

Don’t set a timer. Listen to your body. I would go 20 minutes, and then instead of turning the pump off, I would wait for 1 more let down. And this let down, while only producing a small amount, told my body to make that much more each time.

HANDS ON! This is so important. The pump is not smart. It doesn’t understand that each person is different. You need to interact with it and help it. This means pushing the milk from the outside, down towards your nipple and feeling for hard parts where milk might be built up and really squeezing that stuff out (I tell people to treat their boobs like they are the last tube of toothpaste!) and play around with the pump settings. I don’t think I ever pump higher than medium strength. I start at medium and then turn it down to low after 2 letdowns and let it stay there until after let down #3. This is going to be unique to each person.

Night pump! Even when baby sleeps through the night, I have to pump. He started sleeping 6 hours at night around 6 weeks, and THAT is when my supply went down. When I started middle of the night pumping I was getting about 2oz then, hardly worth it, but as I kept going, I now get a decent 8oz ish in the middle of the night. I was told I could sleep through the night when my baby did and my supply would adjust. Nope. No sir. Not this chick. Oh how I wish. I miss my sleep.

Listen to your body. You know it best.

I now have a nice stash that I never thought I would ever have. It took me a while to get it, and I still only get to add to it once in a while. I don’t make a TON (some people I know make 100oz a day!) but I make enough most days.

It is work. Hard work. But I am so grateful that I can make it happen. I don’t feel that “Amazing most natural thing, wonderful bond and connection” that most people talk about, but I am so happy to be doing it still. And I think I will be sad when I do stop. I don’t have plans yet, I am just taking it day by day. I want to do what is best for my baby, but ALSO to do what is best for ME!

If anyone ever wants to talk or bitch and complain or ask questions. Please do. I am not saying this is the route for you or if it will work, but this is what my experience has been. Only you know what is best for you and baby.

What’s Next?

First, I want to update on Baby Bach.

He is doing so amazing. 6.5 months he started crawling, and then 2 days later he started standing up and pulling himself up on ANYTHING he could reach. Uh oh… He is a little over 7 months now and getting into everything! Loves to open drawers and tries to pull the outlet covers out of the sockets! And trying to climb the baby gate. He is such a stinker!! But I am so amazed with how smart and clever that little boy is! He is so determined! I think he will be walking without help any day now.

He is soooo happy. Like incredibly happy. All you have to do is look at this kid to get a big gummy smile. It makes every day that I don’t get a minute to myself or a second to rest completely worth it. When he smiles I can feel my heart change. He makes everyone around him so happy.

Now onto what’s next:

I have no idea.

The thought of going through the unknown and loss after loss again is hard to even ponder. The not knowing was most of the torture. I know the risks we will have to take and that since nothing can be done in our situation, we will go through everything over again. But it was worth it for my little boy. Everything was.

The part that makes my stomach hurt when thinking about doing all of this again, surprisingly isn’t all of that. It is the situation with my MIL. The hurt she has put on me makes me angry most days still. But it makes my stomach turn to think about having another child and having everything that went down with her happen again. THAT is what I am most terrified of. I have talked to DH about this and he agreed to ‘talk to her’ about the whole thing. When he ‘talked to her’ I don’t know what he said (I had left the room because she was giving death glares and disrespecting my parenting HARD and made a passive aggressive comment that made me have to remove myself from the situation so I didn’t say or do something stupid, which made DH mad at me because apparently that wasn’t the right way to handle it… so maybe he would have rather I ripped my screaming son away from her, told her to stop acting like she is better than anyone and like a child at the same time and left with my son.) but he ‘talked’ to her after that and he told me that she said “I wasn’t talking to her”. And that was it. THAT WAS THE TALK, and he was like “Oh.. okay”. BS! That A******* knew what she was saying and who it was intended for, even if she was facing towards someone else (remember how she wouldn’t look at me or speak to me?) She is passive aggressive and intended it for me. I know it, she knows it.

Wow… that wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant. Sorry guys. I am trying to learn how to forgive without an apology. Forgiveness that is not face-to-face, but within myself. Forgiveness that does not mean reconciliation OR forgetting. Even that is hard because obviously DH can just forget about it. I think he is slowly seeing how wrong she is and that this is HER fault, not just me being difficult.

But it does make me sad, because THIS is what I think about when I think of having more kids. The hurt of how she took us down from our highest moment was a worse feeling to me than all it took to get to our baby boy. It hurt deeper than the losses, than the diagnosis. Because those things are out of everyone’s control. And this wasn’t. This was malicious intent to hurt from someone who is supposed to be family.

I am not looking forward to it, but I know I can make it through the losses and the hurt and the unknown again. I survived it once. But I don’t know if I can risk being hurt like she has hurt me again.

We saw her last weekend and she has tried to be nice to me the last couple of times we have seen her (All of which are initiated by us, because she still puts no effort into being in our lives) but I still try to avoid her and keep answers short. She can be the nicest person for the rest of her days to me (which she wont), it will NEVER make up for what she did and not taking accountability for it and apologizing.

And I am so mad at myself. How am I letting her affect me so much? She is a crappy human being. How am I letting her make me feel this way? Why am I letting that A******* affect my decision to have more kids?

Why does she hurt me so much?

Another thought I have been having when I think about more kids: I am LOVING Baby Bach SOOOO much! I am enjoying my time with him and I couldn’t imagine loving someone else so much (though I am sure I would). I don’t want to take time away from him (more than I already do for work). I want to enjoy every second with this kid and be able to give him all of my attention and energy (of course DH will get some too). I feel like my life is so full with him, I don’t need another. This may change in the future, but I don’t want to just start trying because I know how long it might take. I am just not ready for another child right now, and I may never be. Which is so much different than I had pictured. DH want s kids close in age, which I understand is ideal for the kids, it is what I had always imagined too, but I am not going to start trying just because it is what society thinks is best for my child. He may be an only child. That shouldn’t mean his life isn’t as full of love and happiness as a child with a sibling.

Right now, I am so happy with my boy and DH. And I am so grateful to have them. I will be happy as a family of 3 if that is what is in our cards. And for now, that is all I want to be.

 

Long Overdue

I’ve been keeping up with reading all of your blogs, but I have not wrote the update on the birth of my son, for many reasons, one being time of course! But the biggest reason is that while it was such an amazing long awaited moment, it is gut wrenching to recall some of the horrible feelings I had and cannot let go of, but we will get to that.

First and most importantly: Our beautiful baby was born on Thanksgiving day! A week early. Dad always told him “Just wait until after Thanksgiving”… so I think we are going to have a little boundary pusher on our hands!!! He was 5lbs 11oz and 18 inches long. Very tiny for a term baby, but I guess his dad was too. Perfectly healthy and strong and has the most perfect, beautiful and big eyes.

I’m an odd person I guess, because I did not want anyone but DH and I at the hospital when he was born. I didn’t even want to tell people when I went into labor because I didn’t want to have DH or I constantly updating people and I didn’t want to think of what other people were thinking at all. I mean, I was terrified at the thought of people showing up, and I made this clear, for weeks ahead of time, I wanted no one to show up, even in the waiting room, because I felt it would put pressure on me, and this was mine and DH’s moment and it was not to be interrupted for updates or anything. But we did decide to call our moms and tell them not to tell anyone, and don’t show up or call or text and that WE would let them know if they needed to know anything. I mean, I was more scared of someone showing up than I was of the thought of having a C-section (which I didn’t need, thankfully).

So when I was butt naked, no drugs (I did eventually get an epidural), in pain and having contractions and the nurse tells me “You have visitors.” I FLIPPED OUT! I started yelling “Why am I being disrespected?!?!” and DH said he would go take care of it and I told him No, he is not supposed to be leaving me, and he said he was going to take care of it I started yelling “Kick their asses!” through my tears. He left. I was standing butt naked with a nurse (Who I did not like) supporting me while I was going through a contraction. He came back and I asked “Was it my mom?” and he said “No, it was my mom”. I am getting so angry and upset thinking about it. How could she make this about her? She made the baby shower about her, couldn’t I have my labor and delivery at least??? Apparently not. She was told not to come. She disrespected me and came anyway.

I called my mom crying because I was so upset that DH and I’s experience was ruined. And DH tried to calm me down, eventually I calmed down as I had other things to focus on.

Our son was born at 6:45PM after only 25 minutes of pushing (Thank God, I was so tired!). His face was just so amazing, he didn’t look like how I thought he would, he was even more beautiful than I ever imagined. I looked up to see DH, who I had seen cry ONCE ever, in tears and overjoyed to have his son. We talked about the middle name (which was what we had been disagreeing on) and he allowed me to give him my Grandpa’s middle name, and he was very happy to do so. Despite all of the drama MIL had caused, everything was perfect.

We told our parents to come up, he was here.

DH couldn’t get a hold of his mom.

My parents both showed up and met him and left.

DH kept calling and kept getting the voicemail.

I showered, we moved rooms. He kept getting nothing. It was SO HEART WRENCHING to see him go from his happiest proudest moment to devastation. He was a proud dad and he wanted to share that with his mom, and he was heartbroken.

Finally, hours later, she called and just destroyed us. She was at the casino and said to DH “Well YOU didn’t want us there!” no congratulations… no how is everyone doing. Nothing. It broke him. Though he didn’t show it much, it hurt him deep. And it made me feel like the worst person in the world. On the day I gave birth after 5 losses and shitty odds, I felt like a bad person. She finally showed up hours later, because why would she leave the casino right away to meet her ONLY grandchild?

She walked in well after I needed to go to sleep and what was the first thing she said? “Well, YOU didn’t want us here, YOU made that VERY clear.” (apparently telling her not to show up in a civilized manner doesn’t make things clear to her)

I will add that I didn’t know when I was yelling and screaming that they were AT MY DOOR! I was FURIOUS when I realized this later. That makes me feel so violated to think about even now! What the hell did she think was going to happen?? What did she think was going on in the delivery room that she was told to stay out of?

Anyway, DH tried telling her “No one was supposed to be there” and she kept “Well, I was just trying to see how she was doing” DH:”NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE” MIL “But I just wanted to know… blah blah blah” It was all I, I, I… Also, she never spoke to me during her visit at all. She didn’t hug me, ask me how I was doing, tell me great job. Nothing. He kept trying to make her feel better by explaining that it wasn’t against her specifically (I didn’t even know who was there). Meanwhile, I was sinking and dying and doing everything I could to hold myself together. I kept trying to say nice things to her, and ask her things and trying to make her feel better, while I was exhausted from giving birth, and choking back tears.

She asked DH what his name was, he told her and then she repeated it with a VERY disgusted and questioning tone. That hit like daggers. And DH said “Yes, it is O D B” and she just said “Oh.”

Then they left after a little bit and really hasn’t called to check on him since. In 5 months she has come to visit him ONCE (and this was because I was pissed that they were supposed to come up and never showed up or called or anything, so DH had to call to be like “WTF” and she said the weather was bad, ummmm… you couldn’t call or text us to let us know that?”. Called to check on him ONCE that I am aware of.

And I feel like it is all my fault. I have been riddled with guilt for 5 months. Because she made me feel that way.

That is how my MIL took the most amazing moment of my life and made it about her. That is how she made me feel guilty on the day I gave birth to her grandchild. That is how she made me feel like I had something to make up to HER when she met him.

And she won. I feel guilty. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I took my husband down from his proudest moment. And her? She just gets to happily live her life while DH forgets about everything because it makes him mad to think about it, and he takes Baby down to see her once in a blue moon to make her happy (though she never asks him to). And me? Well, no one is concerned about my feelings. No one cares that I get sick to my stomach when I hear her voice. No one cares that I think about this every day and I feel ashamed of MYSELF, even though I KNOW I did nothing wrong. She made the bad choices, never apologized, and I have to live with the consequences.

I need to figure out how to forgive someone who doesn’t apologize, because my son deserves so much better than a sad and guilt ridden mom. But I don’t know how.

My vote DOES count

And I will make a choice that I can be satisfied with.

Maybe it is hormones, but I don’t think it is. A friend sent me a text today that makes me want to discontinue a friendship, and it really won’t break my heart to do so with this person anyway.

Today most of America has been put in an unfortunate situation, voting between 2 candidates that both have low approval ratings and are not adequate to run this country (my opinion, but I know is shared by MANY others). How we got here, I will still never understand, but here we are. We have a choice. But we have the right to make ANY choice we want. This means we never have to choose the lesser of 2 evils. There are literally millions of options. I know a lot (most) people think that not voting for one of the 2 devils means that a person throws a vote away. But I have always felt that I would rather keep my values and vote for the person I find best fit to run this country, whether they are a popular choice, or even a nominee or not. I won’t throw away my values to ‘stop’ a different person from winning. I do get this logic, but it isn’t the choice that I would make, certainly not as an (almost) parent.

Here is the text my friend sent: “An article I read made a great point about voting third party. If you are voting for your conscience, the reward is only briefly satisfying, but when the worst case scenario is destroying the country, all you are going to have is that brief period of fleeting morality that will quickly dissipate when you realize that a vote for the other side would have helped stopped the destruction”

Oh man…. just typing that is making my blood boil even more. I know my face is getting red.

I am not going to say who I voted for, or what party, or even where I have always stood.

But to be told that if I vote, but not for Trump or Hillary (Devil or Satan) that I have contributed to destroying my country….. F*** this B****!!!! Seriously. I will not throw my country OR my values away, and if that means voting for someone other than these 2, then THAT is what I will do damn it! (Let’s not even mention that I don’t live in a swing state anyway)

I am satisfied with my vote. I voted for a person I could see fit to run this country. I will not be satisfied with the outcome of this election, that I know. But I will be satisfied with my choice. And I am proud that I did not sacrifice my beliefs.

I still don’t know how we got here America….

Go vote today.

But really, who does that?

So in my previous post I mentioned my high school best friend being pregnant. I’ll start from the beginning, which is about 10 years ago.

We will call her Brad, because, why not?

Brad and I were best friends in high school, both had rough family life and supported each other and our siblings through everything. We were like 1 family. She did have a tendency to do stupid things and get herself in dumb situations, once landing her in the back of a cop car. Also liked to experiment with drugs but was a very intelligent person, did very well in school and was really going places.

She went into foster care her senior year and because she was a ward of the state, she got college completely paid for. So she went to college, and decided to party and do drugs and skip classes. But she was still going.

One day I got a call from Brad asking if I could come home from college for the weekend, and when I asked why she said that I couldn’t tell anyone “I’m getting married” and when you tell your best friend you are getting married, her response should never be “to who????” Brad: “To J” Me: “Who is J?” keep in mind a month before this she was dating a different guy… J was a bouncer at the club Brad stripped at. Being a good (and smart, I like to think) friend, I asked “Are you sure about this?” and she said “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life”

So they got married, which meant that Brad lost her college money and dropped out (Seriously, I want to slap ANYONE who doesn’t take advantage of the gift of free tuition).

Then they (her at 19, him at like 30) got pregnant, he didn’t want kids, but she did, isn’t that something you think you would talk about before getting married? Announced it via MySpace, that’s how I found out, then it didn’t work out, pregnant again, didn’t work out. And eventually pregnant a 3rd time.

Now I don’t think it is a problem for a woman to have a glass of wine in the 3rd trimester (I haven’t, but that is my choice) but she would go to the bar and have a glass of wine, and I wasn’t there, but she definitely got quite the buzz, and she admitted it. She also drank beer what she said was occasionally but I suspect from being around her, it was more than occasional. But again, probably not enough to create an issue.

She planned on a natural birth at a birthing center, which she achieved. She did have to go in when her water broke because of Group B Strep to get antibiotics.

I asked her about plans for another baby, her husband said no, he has an oops from when he was 17 and now this one that he didn’t even want, though he does love both of his kids and is a good dad. She told me “I oopsed this one, I’ll just oops another”. Sounds like a great marriage.

So over the last 8 years she has left her husband, but not divorced because she doesn’t want to be divorced, slept with other guys (because a divorcee is awful, but adulterer is okay), became a lesbian (which she was into both guys and girls in high school), moved back in with her husband, happily married, but separate. Her life, not mine, whatever.

During this time, she lost a ton of weight and started bragging on Facebook and even a local TV show about how healthy her life was, while she would call me and tell me she doesn’t eat because she would rather buy tequila and drink, and doesn’t have enough money for food. I’m not sure what she believed then. But I am convinced now she really does believe she is super healthy. She claims she is a vegetarian and brags about it and makes people who aren’t feel bad, and at the same time gets a patty melt when we go out to eat. She claims she doesn’t eat GMOs and her son NEVER has. Which is BS, because when he was little, all he would eat were french fries and toaster waffles. I know he ate some things that have GMOs, shit, they are in so many things!

In the meantime, we would still do Facetime dates, have a glass of wine and chat. And she would show me all of her empty tequila bottles that she was so proud of and would light up a bowl or bong  or joint EVERY TIME. She also decided to home school her son, which is each parent’s choice, but really, are you doing him any good while you are drunk and high?

A few months went by when I hadn’t talked to her, then I texted her to ask for her address for the shower invitation, and it was not where her and her husband were living before, apparently she lived 3 places since then. And she was now living with a guy named… I can’t even remember! So we will go with A as it is the first letter of the alphabet.

Sent the invite, got a text a month or so later, she didn’t get the invite because she had moved AGAIN. And here is the bombshell (really the above was just stupid ranting about her in general): SHE IS PREGNANT.

She told me that her and A have so much better energy together than her and J did. And that she was doing this one all natural at home. She hasn’t went to the doctor yet, and does not intend to do any ultrasounds or anything. WHO FREAKING DOES THAT???? Especially when you have had losses in that past?!?! And she had Group B Strep the first time, if she has it again, and doesn’t know and doesn’t get treated, she could make her baby very ill!! Or if it is breech? And they BOTH could die???

She told me “I am so healthy, I know it’s fine”… yeah… then look at us girls on here, we are healthy too, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have issues.

Some states have laws stating that it is considered neglect and illegal to not receive prenatal care, but our state isn’t one of them. I am so scared for that baby, and SO angry at her for not taking this gift as seriously as I feel she should. This is ridiculous! WHO DOES THAT? I was so irate when she told me, and I still am, obviously.

Also, she is a stripper, I’m not sure that will go well while pregnant… But maybe there are crazy people with that fetish.

I am seriously disappointed in her. She has made a lot of dumb decisions. A LOT (obviously). But not getting proper care for your unborn child, this really takes the cake. Just when I thought she couldn’t lose her mind any more.

Super judgy rant I know. But I had to get it all out. I still can’t believe her.

 

 

I still get jealous….

But not in the same way as Nick Jonas.

A couple of months ago, the morning of my best friend’s wedding, I woke up to a text from my other best friend “I guess I will be not drinking with you!! LOL” And the picture of a positive pregnancy test. I may have already wrote about this. But she got pregnant her first try with #1, and this was her first “If it happens, it happens” month for #2. And I felt crushed…

Sunday B got a call from a friend congratulating us, as he didn’t know we were expecting (you know, not using Facebook and all) and told us that him and his wife were expecting in March. Why did my heart sink?

(I also got another ‘announcement’ from my high school best friend in between these, but we can get to that in another post.)

Before we started this agonizing journey, these announcements were very exciting and cause for celebration for me. And I guess I hoped that now that we are finally expecting our rainbow (God willing) that maybe these feelings would come back. But these announcements still sting me. I mean, these are good people, and they deserve children. They didn’t go through what we did, and I am glad they didn’t, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. So why do I feel this way when they share their wonderful news?

In some ways, this journey has made me a much better person, and I am grateful for those qualities, but in other ways, it has made me worse. I am so bitter. And I am upset that the bitterness isn’t going away.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get upset over EVERY pregnancy announcement. The ladies on here and on the forums I am on, I am so incredibly ecstatic that I go into tears of happiness when I see all who struggled get their family. But no matter how babies came into this world, they should all be celebrated the same, right? Why can’t I do this?

S

Nothing comes easy

Well…. not for me it seems. I know plenty of people that things come easy for: My friend that texted me a positive test a few weeks ago telling me “I’ll be sitting out with you at the wedding today, lol” This was a result of her “If it happens this month, it happens” approach. As was her first child, conceived on ‘try’ #1. So there is one person who will never understand even a single month of a negative test. Not that I wish she had trouble, I wouldn’t want that at all for her or anyone (except maybe the cast of Teen Mom, do they ever stop?) but it still is nice to have people understand. I do believe it has made us all more compassionate people.

But enough of that. We all have those people in our lives and can rant all day about it.

I have been so blessed to be having a ‘perfect’ pregnancy. I have felt great, minimal symptoms and have been so grateful for that, but mostly that I have been able to keep my baby safe. Now I have gestational diabetes. I found out a week ago and could do nothing to stop myself from breaking down and crying. Am I hurting my boy? Is he okay? What do I need to do? And I couldn’t find these answers anywhere. I called the OBs office to which I was told the nurse would call me and set up an appointment. 6 DAYS LATER she called with my results (that I had already known for DAYS) and told me to pick up a prescription for testing supplies and that the diabetes management office would call me and let me know when they have the next ‘classes’ starting. This just seemed so unreasonable to me. I wanted some help and support 6 days ago! And now you are telling me that I have to wait for someone to call me… and then hope that I have the time and days open to go to their classes that are already set up?! I need answers! If I am hurting my baby in anyway, I need to know how to fix it, not in a week, not next month, RIGHT NOW! Que the second full day full blown breakdown. At my desk on the phone trying not to cry (failed) then trying not to let anyone see (I think I succeeded here). I tried getting a hold of everyone, the nurse, the OB, and kept being told just monitor your blood sugar “When? How?” and the response I got would be to just follow the directions. “What directions?” So I had the pharmacist try to help me understand when to test, which I have been for almost a day now, but I have been given no guidelines on what is okay? What isn’t? When should I worry or contact someone? So I have relied on google to give me these answers, obviously not a great choice, but at least I finally got SOME kind of an answer!

So I guess my complication free pregnancy is no longer. But I know it could be much worse. I don’t know much yet, and I don’t know when I will get answers. There are so many scary complications that go with GD.

I am very grateful that Baby B seems to still be as crazy as ever. I am so happy to be to this point, but at 31 weeks, couldn’t I just have gotten through the last 9 without issues? I guess I felt in a way the world owed me something, because of all of the losses and heartache it took to get here. And I am getting what I want out of it still (I hope)… but Man… Can’t a girl get through any pregnancy easy?

I couldn’t type this for days, I have been far too upset to even think or talk about it. But I am feeling better now that I can at least monitor myself. Only a couple of months left. All for a healthy baby.

S