Oh crap…

For the last month or so DH and I have been talking about when to switch to a ‘big boy’ bed. We know that it is recommended for a child to stay in the crib until as close to 3 years old as possible, but we also know that we have a little climber. So the debate has been: “Do we wait until he climbs out and falls? Or nip that in the bud and get a bed before then and allow him to roam his room (which needs a massive re-baby-proof done first)?”

We figured we still had a bit of time until he actually climbed out, so we casually looked around at beds, but we weren’t too serious just yet.

Well….

On Saturday I was cutting DH’s hair, and he put Bach (not a baby anymore) in the pack and play to contain him for a few minutes. In under a minute he was straddling the edge of the pack and play. DH caught him. So I guess we are done with the pack and play.

About 20 minutes later I tried to lay Bach down for his much needed nap, after rocking him and fighting him for a bit, I put him in his crib and walked out of his room, grabbed the door handle to my room (directly across the hall) and as I opened it (to DH standing right there) I heard “BOOM!” followed by screaming. Our eyes got huge as we turned around and rushed into his room to find him sitting on the floor crying.

He did it.

My 18 month climbed out of his crib. In a matter of 4 seconds.

He was okay, it seems he must have hit is side/back/butt area. But boy did we freak out for a while hoping that he hadn’t hit his head, and then thanking God when we realized he didn’t.

We were supposed to be on our way to a family party, but we put everything on hold to put the mattress on the floor with the crib around it, and box in the sides where the mattress could still slide under.

So for right now Bach is safe being another 5-6 inches from the top of the rail. But for how long? (FYI, he did not learn his lesson, he tries to climb it as soon as we put him in the modified crib)

But at 18 months, is he really ready to have the freedom to roam his room at night? Even if it is baby-proofed?

Am I ready for that?

When did you all move to a ‘big kid’ bed? How did the transition go?

-S

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Not just hard

I knew that being a mom would be hard. There would be sacrifices in all areas of life, and some phases would just be difficult.

And I feel that because of everything I went through to have this child that I wanted so bad, that I’m not allowed to talk about how hard it is.

Yes it is worth it. Yes I love him so much and I am so glad and grateful to have him. Especially when others are still struggling for their miracles (My heart is always with you).

But it IS hard!

And there are feelings that I was not expecting to come with motherhood: Failure. I feel like a failure every. single. day.

When he cries when my mom leaves when I get home from work.

When he doesn’t want to eat and I give in and he eats m&ms for breakfast.

When I try my hardest to get him to sleep at night (books, singing to him, rocking) and I give up after 35 minutes of screaming and let him run out of the room. And then B brings him back in and gets him to sleep in 2 minutes.

When I take him on a family trip to an indoor waterpark I thought he would love, and he has a hard time sleeping away from home.

When I want to go out for dinner with just B… I feel like because I work, I shouldn’t spend anytime away from baby Bach outside of it. (As a result this has only happened 4 times in 1.5 years)

When his iron levels are a little low.

When he falls off of something he climbed up because I looked away for a second and didn’t quite get there in time.

When all he wants to do is be outside and play in the water, but I have to make dinner, or do laundry or a million other things. And when he does get outside, its never for long enough.

When my DH went fishing for 2 hours and I was losing my mind on how to handle this crazy kid on a beach and my body hurt so bad from trying to keep him safe and away from the road and from getting too deep in the lake (All of which resulted in massive fits).

There is massive love for him, and so much gratefulness at having this amazing little person that I never thought I would have. But there is such a feeling of failure too. And it really does get at my self-esteem.

I feel like I can hardly keep one child alive most days, how in the hell could I care for two when I am failing so miserably at one?

Flat out inappropriate

Friday morning I did not feel well upon waking up, went to work, and started getting sick when I came home, which continued into the next couple of days. I thought at first it was food poisoning, but I am leaning towards a stomach bug now… but either way, what a damper on a beautiful holiday weekend.

Over the holiday weekend DH, Baby Bach and I went to a couple of graduation parties. On Saturday I was feeling pretty awful, but we made the 1.5 hour drive (each way) so we could visit DH’s family. It could have been worse. I didn’t want to let anyone know I was sick, because we all know what they would have assumed, and none of them would be shy about saying it. In front of me OR behind my back. For all I know, they probably are saying things because I didn’t drink. Oh well, I didn’t have to deal any of it.

On Sunday, I had volunteered for a shift at work, so I struggled through, but let my other coworker know that I wasn’t feeling well in case I had to leave. Afterwards the family and I went to another graduation party at DH’s friend’s parent’s house. I was finally starting to feel better and able to eat at this point. I wrote about the questions from this party in the last post.

Today it’s back to work.

Every morning we have a quick informal gathering to discuss the plan for the day ahead. There are usually about 10 people there. Usually only 1 of them besides me is a female. Otherwise, it’s just me and all male coworkers. The coworker I worked with on Sunday was there and asked me if I was feeling any better, which I expected. I told him yes, I am finally feeling about back to normal. And then he said “I didn’t even think about it at the time, but I was thinking maybe you are pregnant.” Which he found to be a hilarious comment. As did some of the other guys in the meeting.

I did not.

I told him that I was most certainly not pregnant. And then as he continued to laugh I said “Highly inappropriate” I didn’t want to say it at first, in front of all of these people, especially because I am still new to this company. I don’t want to create tension between my new coworkers. But he just seemed to find it so funny. And others did too. And it wasn’t okay.

It would have been bad enough to say that to me in private. But to say it in front of most of my coworkers, in a meeting, and think that it was a funny comment, was just plain awful. Like I wasn’t already struggling to conceive my first, the idea of having a second, and my new body after this whole journey.

I know if I tell my boss, she will take action. She would find this absolutely appalling. But is that the right course of action? I think it needs to be bigger than that. This isn’t just the issue of 1 person, because people say these things all the time. It is a culture issue, where people think it is okay to ask such private and personal questions.

Some people joke about ‘Sensitivity Training’ but I think that is where we have to start. At least to remind people that these things are so inappropriate. Maybe they really don’t know (though they really should because come on… you are asking about people’s sex life).

That just really wasn’t a great start to my week. It was bad enough that I was sick and couldn’t enjoy my holiday weekend.

I just feel so embarrassed now. Like people are going to start looking for a bump, which I have, but not from a baby, just from food. I was already self conscious about it.

Maybe I am just being paranoid. I don’t know. People are jerks.

Good Intentions…?

On Sunday we went to a graduation party at DH’s friend’s parents’s house. The parents, we will just call them A&J (because typing and reading DH’s Friend’s parents over and over seems ridiculous), are super nice people. They love when we come over and they are just genuinely sweet, caring people. So when the mom, A said to me “You have to have more! Girl, what are you waiting for?” I didn’t know how I should react. This was someone so close to DH that have been so generous to us. And they were throwing this big party with their family and friends, so making a comment back (which would have been not so nice, I’m sure) I felt was out of the question at the time. Her husband J asked me later “When are you having one or two more?” to which I told him my hands and life were perfectly full with our son. And he responded “Well… there is always room for an oops.” Again… in the situation, I could not have responded how my gut wanted to: “Oh really? Is that how easy it is? I can just oops one? Well maybe I should have tried that the first time then! Instead I tried and failed over and over again. Thanks for the advice!” Because we all know that if we stop trying or if we just relax that we get pregnant. Silly me…

I then overheard J asking DH about our family plans. DH isn’t confrontational at all, especially with people he likes, so when J asked if there was another on the way he said ‘No” and then J asked if the plan was for more… DH said “Yup” I was a bit irritated.

I’m not saying we are 100% an only child family. But right now, that is my plan. I can’t even think of more when I have my hands full with a full time job, a house, a husband, an amazing little miracle who loves to be devious, and somehow fit in appointments, betas, phone calls with updates, the emotional and physical aspects of more pregnancy losses. I am actually enjoying having some sanity (ish…) right now. No tracking apps, no opks, no tests and counting down the days and calculating what betas should be and googling what symptoms mean and what are the odds… even though I have already read everything there is in the google-sphere that has ever existed on the subjects.

Yet I am still tearing my mind apart every day on the sibling debate. I got so hard on myself about it. Do I want Baby Bach to have a sibling someday? Sure. Do I want to go through getting pregnant? Staying pregnant? Going through pregnancy with worry every day that my baby won’t make it home? Gestational Diabetes? Getting knocked down by my awful MIL? Not really.

I wonder how much different all of my emotions surrounding this would be had our journey been different. Would I be excited to have more? Would I still be content with 1?Would I have 3 by now…?

I know these people are nice, and I know that they love us and have great intentions, but how do I tell them that it is inappropriate to ask these things? That despite these good intentions, they could be destroying someone on the inside?

The (angry) Women’s Club

So at my new job, similar to my old job, there is a women’s club. In a male-dominated field this is a great way to connect with other women and raise issues and ideas for resolutions to make our company a better place for gender equality.

At my last job our Women’s Club met monthly or so and brought in guest speakers, put on STEM events for the school-aged children in the community and attended events recognizing achievements of women. It was also inclusive, men were invited and always encouraged to attend (though not many did). It was something that I learned many lessons from, including resume and interview building, ways to support my career path, how to negotiate and never sell myself short (very important ladies!!) and many other skills. Most importantly, I (almost) always felt empowered and proud.

Last week was the first time I attended a Women’s Club meeting at my new job. The previous one was on International Women’s Day, before I started working here. I was really looking forward to what this women’s club would bring to my new job experience.

It started out with my boss bringing up a ‘list’ that was made on their previous meeting. Things on there ranged from nursing rooms, to ‘don’t cut the cake’, to ‘kill your own bugs’ and many other things.

A couple of good initiatives came out of it.

My first week I was excited to go to the ‘store’ to buy some company zip ups, only to find that they were mostly men’s sizes, the man running the store said he thought there wasn’t a difference. Umm… there is a huge difference when I am swimming in a Men’s small, and it isn’t flattering at all. And then he said “Well, those bright pink ones probably aren’t for men.” So I looked at it and they were women’s sizes, in which I needed a medium and it actually fit nice. But as a woman, the only option I had for nice fitting clothes, was a bright pink zip up (I did not get one BTW, hot pink is not very flattering, and not always super appropriate in a professional setting). We did bring this up in the meeting and there is an action item to bring this to the store’s attention as a larger initiative. I will be pretty excited to buy some neutral color zip ups in women’s sizes should they get some.

There was also talk about guys asking women when they are going to have kids. And as you all know, this is NOT OKAY! I 100% agree with that. It turns out that the room was split about 50/50 on choosing to not have kids. Which is great, I am all for those kinds of decisions, as I feel that a lot of people just have kids because they are expected to, which isn’t a great reason in my opinion. I guess some of the women are being told that they are ‘selfish’ for not wanting kids and that ‘you are a woman, you will want to be a mom’ which are horrible things to say and very sexist! Those kinds of things should not be tolerated.

But this is where things started to get unproductive and started turning into a “She-woman Man-Haters club”

These women were talking about being mad when male coworkers said these things. So I spoke up and said “It is completely inappropriate for ANYONE, man OR WOMAN, to ask anyone (again, man or woman) anything about their reproductive life. It is absolutely none of anyone else’s business and you have no idea what that person may be going through and the feeling that you may be bringing up that could really hurt them.”

Personally, I feel that more women ask those kinds of questions to other women, but that is just my experience. I certainly don’t think it is by and far more men that do anyway. But it is inappropriate and hurtful coming from both.

So my boss then said to the group “And what do you say when someone asks those things?” and the one woman just said “I tell them it is none of their damn business” and she is right. But I do feel like men need to be explained to why sometimes. I really don’t think that men AND women that ask these things are doing so with ill-intentions. And my approach has always been to explain to them that asking people those things are very private and personal and inappropriate. And letting them know that they have no idea what someone else is going through. It really makes them think the next time they go to ask someone that. Whereas just being rude and mean about it doesn’t help anyone out in the long run. Again, just my personal opinion.

And from there the anger kept going. I mean… they were upset when guys held doors open for them. They found that as a male-dominant act. I’m pretty sure it is just a courtesy. I mean, I’d be more mad if a guy shut a door in my face. And that we need to stop being a damsel in distress, and that we can’t cut the cake at events, make a guy do it, and we have to kill our own bugs.

I guess I am not going to fit into this group. They don’t seem to understand that everyone is different. I like cooking and serving people, and I am not going to kill my own bugs! It isn’t a ‘damsel’ thing, it is a ME thing! And I think that makes them think that I am a ‘weaker woman’ because of it. (And yes, the term ‘weaker woman’ was used at one point, used to describe someone who couldn’t take a probably distasteful joke. And that was the one thing that made ME angry.) But let’s be honest, some actions ARE more feminine by nature and a lot of women enjoy those things! And we can’t ignore the fact that we are physically different.

I feel that every woman should be respected for what she chooses to do, whether in a male-dominated job or a historically female job, or some combination of both! Why must we fit into 1 of 2 buckets? We don’t have to!

But sitting in a room complaining about things men do and say (when a lot of women are just as guilty of the same things) isn’t helping the atmosphere. I talked to some of my male coworkers after and they had no idea women got upset about some of those things (the he/she narrative being one of them too, one that I often correct people on) how could they know if people sit around in a room and no one invites them or tells them?

For a group that should be fighting for equal rights for women, they seemed very angry and judgmental.

Maybe the next meeting will be different. I hope so. I guess I will let you all know!

 

You are all strong and amazing. Not one of you ladies is weak. I don’t care what you choose to do. Love yourself! I do!

 

 

 

Starting over

On my last day of my old job a few weeks ago I said my good byes. Afterward a few of us went to the bar across the street where DH later met us and we stayed for a few hours and DH drove me home. I was completely fine with everything until we pulled onto the highway and started heading South. Then… I completely lost it. I don’t mean a few tears were shed, I mean a flood of loud, ugly tears. Because even though we all said we would keep in touch, we all know we won’t. I know we won’t. And that was the last time I will probably see almost all (if not all) of those people.

The next day… I was massively hungover. I only had bud light! That was it! Man this getting old stuff sucks sometimes! I seriously felt sick for 3 days!!!

The following Monday, I started my new job. And the weirdest part of all of it was that I didn’t feel a single bit nervous or overwhelmed at all. Very different from when you start your very first career job.

People keep asking me how I like it, and honestly, it has been 3 weeks, most of which has been training, so I don’t yet know how to answer that question. So I will just make some notes about it so far:

  • Everyone seems really nice, and I can really see myself fitting in with them.
  • It is very hard to leave a place you have been at for so many years and worked so hard to build those relationships and have to start over knowing no one and having to rebuild those relationships with people. That isn’t anything that can happen fast no matter how well you hit it off.
  • I still don’t know what it is that I will be doing. And no one really seems to know. I guess some things happen at all companies…
  • The things I am told I will be learning and doing I am very excited for.
  • In the meantime… I have spent some of my time really bored. REALLY bored. But so far it hasn’t been an entire day ever, or weeks like it was before. It seems that this job can be very busy and fast paced sometimes, and other times can be very, very slow.
  • Getting up earlier isn’t so bad… and getting home much earlier is nice! Mostly nice for my house since I spend the extra time *trying* to take care of it.
  • The safety level at this company is above and beyond, it actually makes me cringe when I think of the old company and the way things were done.
  • There aren’t as many women working in this area as I thought there would be at this company, but nothing that I’m not used to.

I was doing fine not missing my coworkers until today. I had a dream last night that my former boss came up to me at my new job (which was different than this one…) and said “I’m so sorry I didn’t try harder to keep you, please come back, I want you back here.” And gave me a hug. And I felt so happy to be hearing that, it felt so good to be wanted, even in my dream. I decided to go back and work for him, but I wanted to finish things up *here* first. It is weird how dreams can follow you and affect you even when you are awake. I am feeling incredibly sad now, and miss those relationships with my coworkers. But I will not go back there, I wouldn’t even want to put myself back in the situation I was in.

So… that is it for now. Waiting to see what is to come, and very grateful for this opportunity in the meantime.